I’m back! And I have a bedazzler! And feety pajamas waiting patiently to be encrusted with jewels and dazzle.
The long lapse has been due to the many marriages engulfing my life this year and a vacation to Raleigh. Also my birthday (I'm 23!). A paper for my religion class. And perhaps my amazing new air conditioner, I just want to lay in its cold, cold embrace.
And then, of course, there is "that Bryan guy." You can probably blame him for consuming a lot of my valuable as well. If you want to send him hate mail, you can send it to me at kellyhelderboobs@gmail.com and I will forward it to him. Promise!
As I have no recent, exciting stories or fodder at the moment, I instead want to tell you about an ancient story that I only remembered recently during a riveting episode of "So You Think You Can Dance..."
Jackie can jump rope on her ass. This may actually just be a statement rather than a story.
I actually had completely forgotten about this hidden talent of Jackie’s. She used to do it at the pool, subjecting her booty to the hard, hard concrete. Unbelievable. Below is a YouTube video that gives an example of this amazing talent. Listen for when the guy says, "It's like being fucked really hard."
Jackie makes so much more sense to me now...
UPDATE: Jackie made a response video
7.14.2008
Bedazzlers + Jump roping on your butt
6.23.2008
Best Conversation Ever.
Rebecca says:
omg
Rebecca says:
i will be in
kelly says:
omg!
kelly says:
that is insaneee
kelly writes:
Rebecca says:
LOL
Rebecca writes:
Rebecca says:
Rebecca says:
in cornwall
kelly writes:
Rebecca says:
omg LOVE
Rebecca says:
look at my lion!
6.18.2008
The gays will revive the dying institution of marriage
After the past few days and a heap of gay marriage stories, I was checking facebook neurotically, because, well, that is what I do. And I had a thought. If facebook doesn’t discriminate against same-sex unions, why does the United States?
Crystal and I have been happily engaged for almost two years. We’d get married, but there are maturity issues at hand. Eventually we will. We are in <3. id="fullpost">
Plus, marriage as an institution is a bit on the rocks anyways. It could use some sprucing up.
When a new people are given a freedom it revives the population, and they are way more serious about it then the base population. Look at all those women voters! They remain an instrumental voting block even today. Black people, too.
Also, if history has taught us anything, it is the will of the minority will succeed. America is all about that. We are a people who rose out of oppression. And yet, we still oppress because we can’t quite get over our faults. I’d say we have some mommy issues.
I think the best example of American ideals is expressed in To Kill A Mockingbird, when Scout determines that bullies are often bullies because they thrive on being better than others. It’s that mean girl mentality popping up again. As long as there is a population bullies can belittle, they will snatch it up and hold on to it for dear life. Because no matter what happens, at least their not gay. Haha. Gays.
Well, as of Monday, California agreed with Facebook and decided not to be such a bully. Or you know, discriminate based on sexual orientation. (This was the result of overturning two laws on May 15. In November the issue will go to the public.) And just a few weeks ago, our glorious New York Governor instructed NY agencies to recognize same-sex unions preformed in other states.
To be expected, both of these events caused more than their fair share of backlash. The New York Times reported that Mathew D. Staver, founder and chairman of the Liberty Counsel—one of the conservative legal groups challenging the California law, said that the ceremonies “make a mockery of marriage.”
Personally, I think Crystal and my marriage isn’t really any of Mr. Staver’s goddamn business, being that he wouldn’t be an active participant. Well I mean, unless he’s hot. Sometimes we allow in a third when we’re feeling frisky. We’re gay, so obviously we’re promiscuous. But we’re also not men, so it’s not like we have AIDS. Not that it should matter because it is illegal to discriminate based on AIDS as well. (side note: I announced that I had aids in the office today, and somebody told me that’s good b/c now I can’t get fired. Sweet.)
Come on America, let’s grow up and get over bigotry. Especially over something as desperate for good PR as marriage. If we’re going to waste a ton of energy fighting the constitution because we don’t believe in equal rights, lets do it for something worthwhile, like persecuting gingers.
6.17.2008
What to do about spam via arrogant assholes
I generally like people. And lately, I’ve liked people a lot more than usual because I’ve been so goddammed happy and gay and all those things. But there are certain attributes, mostly arrogance and elitism that come across in the form of impersonal mass emails, that get the better of my calm exterior and, thus, I begin instigating shiz via snarky replies. I find that works much better than, “Please remove me from this list.” Because it’s a joke. But it’s serious.
Not that I feel as though it is my job to kick people down—I see it more as nudging them back to reality. Perhaps my irritation stems from the fact that I have been having these experiences a lot lately, I almost feel as though the normalcy of my world has been replaced with pretentious androids who lecture me on my pants and being in love with them and stuff.
But regardless of the reasons behind my irritation, I had one of these unpleasant experiences today that I outlined below because nothing less than blogging about it would give me much-needed release. And in an extreme demonstration of self-control I didn’t include names. Even though he probably deserves public shame.
The 411
I arrive at the main office after a long, hot walk from office deux, and check my email. Low and behold, I have this extremely long, boisterous email from a guy I hung out with once (months ago) in my Inbox. It went on for fucking ever, outlining articles he thinks the lucky recipients of said email should read about topics he thinks we should care about.
On some level this is all well and good – I often send articles to my friends with a thoughtful email about why I think they would care. But I also send them to individuals… not to long lists of people I hardly know. And those who receive my emails probably just roll their eyes and hit “next,” but I know and accept that… so that makes it different. And I also try to have motivation beyond self-flattery or the premise of a circle-jerk. I am trying to promote learning. Which actually is a small country in Asia.
So, after reading this long, ridiculous email, I am talking to a mutual friend and laughing about it, when an idea stuck me… I should introduce the author and a friend of mine (whom I already know dislike each other) via email because seriously, they are doppelgangers in the personality department, in hopes that they will see the ridiculousness of their actions. No wonder they have tension.
My response:
Dear X & Y,
I wanted to take the time out of my busy day to introduce you to each other, as you have much in common intellectually.
X, Y is a PR guru who also dabbles in literary magazines. He enjoys wearing man-scarves and berets, and often skips/hops/prances around in nature.
Y, X writes on environmental things for a Web site. I’m fairly sure he also enjoys wearing man-scarves, and could probably help you in future self-promotion endeavors.
I truly think this is a match made in heaven—and although neither of you delight in the flesh of same-sex union, I think in the very least, this could be the beginning of a beautiful commensal relationship.
Ok kittens, don’t get in too much trouble ;)
Xoxo,
kelly
One of the guys I introduced, NOT the author, knows I can be a haughty bitch, and just ignored me, which was probably the best response, but homeboy, the author of original email flipped out. Not only saying that he already knew other person, but that the other person had edited his award-winning article. HAHA. Yes. He went there.
At this point I couldn’t really tell if he was being cheeky with me, maturely laughing at himself for the obvious amount of ridiculous in mass emailing a bunch of people crap they don’t care about…
So I sent him this article from Jezebel about a pompous editor wondering if it was about him or the other guy—which was obviously a joke since it was so over the top and he was never an editor at our college paper…
And that is when things turned nasty. He flipped out, saying things such as “Who are you? When did I act like this? What would make you think I would write such shit? You must be off your marbles if you think I would do this to someone.” Blah blah blah.
Obviously… he was not joking. My bad. The article he wrote years ago that won an award means he is much too serious a journalist/person to see the humor in this exchange.
So I actually apologized… I KNOW. I was all, “sorry I made you a sad panda, I was joking.” In which he responded, “I’m not sad, just disturbed.” And then had the audacity to request that I go back through our exchanges and pay attention to the context of our responses. HE STARTED LECTURING ME.
Haha, what? Disturbed? Because I made fun of you? Sorry your panties got in a bunch because you’re not as smart as you think you are.
I can’t handle my generation/peers sometimes. We sort of need to be heavily medicated. At least I do if I have to deal with any more self-promotional emails.
I suppose I learned my lesson though… that is what the Spam filter on my gmail is for.
Also. I <3>
6.11.2008
Pleo: the first dino we've ever had to fear - TechHumorist
To the delight of pompous a-holes everywhere, Apple released its newest iteration of the industry-changing iPhone Monday, showcasing what a difference a year can make when it comes to gadgets.
When ample supplies of device rolled out in late June 2007, much to the chagrin of douchebag e-bay entrepreneurs, critics assailed it for its lack of obvious features, including 3G support, which allows faster mobile browsing.
The new iPhone addresses some of those concerns, and some are calling Apple's newest money printer one of the most perfect devices ever created.
Later-gen devices are well-known for vastly improving upon their predecessors, adding functions, fixing glitches and even becoming less expensive.
But this phenomenon should give us pause, especially when it comes to the greatest threat mankind will ever face -- Pleo, Version 3.1.
Sure. He looks cute now. And sleepy. And maybe even a little ticklish. But do you see how he lunged at that finger? It's a sign of things to come.
So why should we be worried about this robot dinosaur? After all, as a species, we haven't had to be terrified of any dinosaurs since we showed up here. That is, unless you're a believer in a 10,000-year-old Earth that was once home to dinos and humans at the same time, where Satan's buddy Darwin hates Jesus and is looking to corrupt young minds from his grave.
The answer to that question is a complex one, mired in the myst of futurology, but there are some signs that clearly indicate where we're headed and why we should start springing for some combat shotguns, land mines and helmets.
Jurrasic Park: Do velociraptors scare you? They should, because they sure scare creatively sarcastic roboticists.
Even the herbivores in that movie could stomp the crap out of you. Most of those dinosaurs were animatronic robots, and since then, I've yet to see a more convincing portrayal of dinosaur prowess.
But that was 15 years ago. Grunge was still cool. People were pissed about Mortal Kombat. And our current masters- and PhD-level researchers were in their most impressionable years.
Just think of the horrors Steven Spielberg released upon the world unintentionally (aside from the intentional horrors like Artificial Intelligence: AI and The Terminal).
He should be ashamed.
Progressing technology: When Popular Science peeled back the skin of a Pleo in March, they made it clear that the little baby herbivore was an incredibly complex machine. But there are still quite a few challenges roboticists would have to overcome before they can create a truly effective autonomous killing machine.
I mean, sure, a robot can rip you in half and everything, and the Pleo now can surely nibble on your finger with an adorable factor approaching frickin' 11, but it's not like it can actually chew you.
Oh wait, scientists are working on that. With the intention of creating a robot that can break down soft foods to analyze taste, French scientists have made a robot that "mimics the first steps of digestion -- chewing, saliva release and food breakdown." And it's five times the size of a human mouth. Right now, the device can handle foods as hard as apples.
But with the rate of technological progress, the cylinder will soon be ready to handle muscle, bone and eventually the researchers themselves.
It doesn't necessarily matter that the researchers building an eating bot and a dino bot are different. Like most technologies, they'll build on each other's success with great intentions, until that path inevitably leads to World War D.
Friends: Pleo's not alone. Apparently, scientists at some point decided that making cute, cuddly robots, or even ones that just plain sucked, wasn't enough.
So they've abandoned storytelling, animated bears in lieu of more terrifying creatures. They've begun, apparently, with the moderately terrifying ones. Like air and sea jellyfish that communicate with a swarm intelligence. Or how about robot stingrays, which will surely end up on the hunt for robotic Australian wildlife enthusiasts.
All it takes is one robot manbearpig, and mankind is doomed.
Motive: Yeah, sure. This video is hilarious. There's nothing quite like watching a machine controlled by the hands of man annihilate another machine acting on its own intelligence.
It's like watching Gary Kasparov stare down Deep Blue in chess only, well, entertaining.
But you know the funny thing about robots? THEY NEVER FORGET.
Try explaining this one in binary.
6.10.2008
Emotional and Technical difficulties: will pass with instillation of air conditioner among other things
So. Im sorry I took a hiatus. Many things have happened over the past week, good and bad. So I thought I would take a moment to sit back and explain the technical and emotional difficulties of the week.
1) Technical difficulty: I left my camera in Maryland. And for those of you who don’t know, this is a VERY big deal. So large in fact that Bryan had to deliver it via the Jew bus along with frankincense, myrrh and calculus homework. And with such gems as us playing flip cup with 8 year olds, I’m sure you can see why not having my camera inflicted severe emotional pains.
2)Emotional difficulty: Bryan came on the Jew bus and distracted me for the past three days. Or weeks. He is extremely distracting. Very. Must be the chest hair and the dance moves.
3) Technical difficulty: Crystal’s ghetto Internet is out, which means we had a lapse of constant communication and she couldn’t get her Webulomn up. Don’t worry, it will be up next week. The photoshop gods told me there will be a expertly devised photo involved. As for Lauren and her Celeblahblog… we are praying for her resurrection.
4) Emotional AND technical difficulty: I fell down again. Twice. Because the heel of one of my 
“nice” work shoes fell off and without enough friction to hold the pavement my right leg slid and my left knee pounded the ground. Twice. Once with Bryan standing right next to me. Some good he is. I feel an emotional tribute to pants coming on. These falls resulted in multiple I fucking HATE New York moments. They quickly passed with some Pinkberry.
5) Technical difficulty: So You Think You Can Dance? Two hours every night of the greatest show ever made! It wasn’t just the blog I neglected, but everyone. See why?
6) Emotional AND technical difficulty: It is so hot that it is impossible to function. I don’t have air conditioning. This resulted in another I hate NY moment, but rather than Pinkberry my aunt called and told me she would buy me an air conditione--so I will be able to resume thinking again shortly. So this is where I am now—sitting in front of my fan and thinking about being productive when I have air conditioning.
6.04.2008
Rock bands prove Internet will make you famous - TechHumorist
The Internet has proven once again that with a little social awkwardness and determination, anyone can be a rock star -- or at the very least, marginally famous.
But this time, it seems the Web surfers were destined for stardom far beyond a brief appearance on Best Week Ever, where a panel made up of washed up entertainment icons, failed standup comedians and people who apparently just walked in off the street could lambaste them for their 15 minutes of fame.
These Internet heroes have entered a world of which few can speak, a phenomenon even more sacred than emoting rodents or illiterate, anthropomorphic felines -- American 1970s rock bands.
Boston - In a move sure to make Tay Zonday move away from the microphone to vent his anger, Boston tapped Charlotte, N.C., native Tommy DeCarlo after checking out his MySpace page.
DeCarlo loaded several of the band's songs on his page with his own vocal track as a tribute to former lead singer Brad Delp, who committed suicide in 2007. Instead of suing the shirt off his back, the band decided to recruit him, prompting every e-tard with a microphone and a dream to rush home and butcher versions of their own rock idols' greatest hits (By the way, if representatives from Asia are reading this, I'm currently unemployed and have GREAT stage presence).
The great thing about DeCarlo's story is the sheer randomness of it. He used talent and technology to get to a place he never expected, and he'll take his place at the head of a legendary rock group. He'll be remembered longer than David Cook ever will, and he never even had to meet Ryan Seacrest -- or combine an emo hair swoop with a power patch for the ultimate in douchebag chic.
Journey -- What cover band doesn't love Journey?
None. It's science.
Filipino cover band The Zoo was no different. Except they had a lead singer who sounded as if he had extracted the trachea from lead singer Steve Perry himself.
It seems that the band responsible for getting moms of so many of today's 30-somethings knocked up in the backseat of the Trans Am saw something they liked in Arnel Pineda, who is now touring with the group. His membership with the band is a blessing in disguise to unexpected teen moms everywhere, because let's face it, it's better to be accidentally conceived to "Don't Stop Believin'" than any of the crap by Nickelback.
The fact that legendary bands from the 70s can embrace both new technology and their fans should give us hope in this era of horrible, horrible music.
After all, with so many different music-making video game peripherals out now, if artists like Scarlett Johansson and Jesse McCartney don't sit the hell down and shut up, I'll just make my own music.
6.02.2008
Annapolis is the "New" Hamptons
After weeks of working and working and working, I needed a weekend of intense relaxation outside of the great New York City. Thus, I hopped a Vamoose bus Friday morning at 7:30 am to leave my cares and financial agony behind. I slept. I listened to my ipod. I exchanged eager text messages with Angie over the philosophy of being.
Finally, the bus hit dry land, exploding with the anticipation everything the New Hamptons have to offer: booze, nature, boats, seafood and sunshine.
Thus beginith the greatest (and classiest) weekend ever begotten. I hit the dock with full enthusiasm, Angie picking me up in her G6 sailwagon and whisking me off to an Annapolis shopping center to eat amongst the locals at a darling little pizza joint. California Pizza Kitchen – perhaps you’ve heard of it, it’s famous around the country for the random stars who often appear to enjoy a slice and free themselves in the fresh Annapolis air.
A few hours later a picturesque couple, friends of Angie’s fiancé Ja, joined us for a delicious seafood fest on the dock across from our concert night cruiser. While enjoying our plates and plates of $3 happy hour cuisine and glasses and glasses of tequila based drinks, the gentleman tried to steal some food from a nature organization, got caught, and then miraculously made friends with them. They arrived back at our table with a few more plates of food and a handful of raffle tickets. We won a blow up palm tree and a blue laser light.
Just in time for our sunset cruise around the Chesapeake, Bryan and Bryan’s mom arrived, and the seven of us clzsaamored aboard the boat already three sheets to the wind. As the ever-faithful seventh wheel, I carried the palm tree around as my date and the Radio station sponsoring the festivity took some pictures of my awesome.
We also took a lot of photos. Bryan asked the musician for him to take a picture with his mom because, as Bryan put it, “Who can say no to a guy who brought his mom on a booze cruise.” And since you can’t stop the bum-rush, Angie and I took an “act like you’re a rapper” picture with him. He played along, bless his little heart.
After the boat docked around 11 pm,, we were in high spirits and needed another place to sip cocktails and have deep conversations. So the seven of us went from bar to bar in downtown New Hamptons to find somewhere with enough class. We ended up at a quaint bar, sitting at a table with Bryan’s mom sipping a Long Island Iced Tea and one of us giving chair dancing lessons to the ladies gracefully enjoying the dance floor. It was a lovely party.
But then Angie then decided it was time to go as the crowds around us were getting feisty and the boys had too much booze and thought dancing was a good idea. So we walked to the parking space at the Naval Academy and headed back to Angie’s apartment where we banged our head against guitar hero for a bit and Ja and Bryan split the most massive bag of baked French fries ever. I mean, that thing was big.
Day 2
Saturday was the day of the annual New Hamptons Crawfish boil, so after waking Bryan and Angie had to stroll down to the local grocery mart for fresh vegetables and garlic while the rest of us sipped tea and ate crumpets and bons bons at Grumpsias.
But then it started the infamous New Hamptons storming. Storming and storming and storming. With thunder and lightening and raindrops the size of baseballs. It looked like a tropical storm. But the Crawfish boil had to go on. Ja’s friends had left, leaving only Angie, Ja and I to battle our way to the boil in the ferocious weather.
The three of us arrived at the plantation neighboring Bryan’s to find groups of people huddled under the brightly colored tents. Bryan was in charge of boiling the crawfish and had just finished a batch as we walked up to the extravagant buffet table. Bryan flung the batch of crawfish, potatoes, garlic and tomatoes onto the table with all his might as the lines formed for the cuisine.
This routine went on for hours and hours until the sky finally cleared and people could wander out from under the tents, hands shielding their eyes from the hot New Hamptons sun. This is when I realized I am allergic to nature, as my entire body started to itch in crazy spasms. It had only taken a day for the layer of smog protecting my body dissipated and the nature could attack. All weekend I continued this battle, but I got through it with wine and good cheer.
Around 8 pm the games began. Game began. Female and male lines formed on opposite sides of the table and the plastic cups filled with quality beer, such as Yingling. And Miller Light. Or diet coke for the under 21. And under 15. And under 10. New Hamptons rigorously fights the prejudice of not allowing small children to play drinking games with intoxicated adults, being that they are usually much better and team VIPs.
Once the games had defeated the valiant New Hamptoniers most retired to study great works of literature.
Day 3
Angela likes to wake up while it is still dark to tend to her crops, and oft forgets that on the weekends normal humans enjoy sleeping in past 8 am. Especially after a long day of crawfish, organized games and literature studying.
Once Angela has texted us all awake and gathered our terse group of four, the debate for the day began. So many options await young people in the New Hamptons.
Sex in the City movie? Adamantly supported by the female group. Adamantly rejected by males. When suddenly Bryan chimed in from the left couch, sailing?!?
When in doubt, the perfect New Hamptons weekend always ends in a lazy day of sailing. And that is how we did it. With a bang. And being stranded on the Chesapeake with five people on a sailboat with an engine that wouldn’t work. I had to take the 8 pm bus instead of the 4 pm.
But all worth it. All so very worth it.
5.28.2008
Scientology: The blending of my two favorite things...science + religion ( magic).
Little known fact: I love religion. A lot. I have an entire del.ici.ous account devoted to articles about religion. Serious ones. And today I began a summer class at NYU about the history of religious art. But I often give off the opposite impression because I tend to poke fun at fanatical beliefs rather than examining their purpose and meaning. So I just want everyone to know that, hey, I understand we’re all just metaphorically smoking some pot and searching for our purpose. And Jesus is a great way to find that stairway to heaven. Bad me for poking fun. Thus, in the spirit of spring and resurrection, and my mom telling me she thinks I'm going to hell, today marks the beginning of a more intellectual discussion of religion. Well, sort of. As much as can be expected.
So what better way to begin this shitshow than a religion that blends my two most favorite things: science and religion. Enter Scientology…
In case you missed it, science has become more than just wack theories and has turned its focus from curing AIDS to challenging traditional religious beliefs. An example: creationism v. evolution. Religions have now found themselves in a sensitive position, trying to keep the faith alive with a balancing act between “science” and traditional beliefs by putting stock in interpretive ideas such as intelligent design. They also have to fight against the more new age-y religions that have gained popularity in the past 20 years—religions that offer more varied solutions to people’s search for redemption. An example: Thetans (spirits) willed themselves into being and created the universe. That would be you, my darling little Scientology boo boo boo.
I know what you're thinking. Tom Cruise. John Travolta. Chef. The greatest South Park ever made. Space invaders. Volcanoes. But these are the same things that could turn Ron Hubbard’s religion into the greatest story ever told.
Time lends validity to religion. So does persecution. The Christians have the Romans, the Mormons have the current American population, the Jews have everybody. The Scientologists have Trey Parker. The magical antics of Jesus seem much more possible when they happened 2000 years ago in a far away land. Like Oz. Sure Jesus turned water into wine, but those same advocates swear that he sure as hell didn’t cross the Atlantic after his resurrection to play some b-ball with the Native Americans and teach them a little something-somethin about Christianity. Probably because they weren’t Jewish. (Mormonism is an issue for a different time…)
Scientology introduces an entirely different concept to religion, if not a new concept to life, that challenges and threatens traditional beliefs. It is a theme that comes up repeatedly in our culture. It’s the point of the new Indiana Jones. The very awesome Andromeda Strain on A&E. What is it? Aliens. Hahahaha. No, seriously. In our society it is becoming easier to believe willed spirits and aliens perpetuating the human race than a God. At least Aliens come from somewhere, even if that somewhere is as abstract to us as where a God comes from. Why can’t spirits be dumped into a volcano in Hawaii? I have no idea, I didn’t make the religion rules. And neither did you.
It definitely strikes the “NOT normal” button in our minds, but frankly the story of Scientology’s fruition is about as important as the Virgin Birth—which to some may be very important, and to others not at all. The actual religion is about being in control of your body and your thoughts. It involves intense meditation and learning to solve your own problems. They are often criticized and called a cult, but so are Catholics.
The definitive beliefs of scientology are fairly shrouded, perhaps because of their persecution and labeling as a cult, or perhaps because you have to pay to play. But many of us have been spoon fed only half truths about a religion many people find solace in, and we judge because it offers answers we consider strange.
We probably shouldn’t do that so much. Check out more information about Scientology:
Official Web site
youtube channel
Wikipedia (grain of salt people)
religioustolerence.org
bonafidescientology.org (sponsored by the church)
Recent articles:
Cult Friction
Rolling Stone (2006)
I Smell Pussy (this may not be serious...)
