It is difficult to comprehend the evil enveloped in the people around us. Some continually kill people and deal drugs. Some commit genocide. Some believe in evolution. And their presence is a constant conundrum. You can’t tell them apart, they don’t look or smell any different, they don’t have weird hair. But I have spent hours talking to Stephanie on gchat in intense scientific deliberation and have identified the biggest threat to our national security (you’re welcome President Bush)
Forget terrorism and all that leftist environmental bullshit, the real threat is Joe Francis and Tucker Max participating in a misogynistic two-minute anal love fest to create the Anti-Christ.
Just in case you live underground and cut off from the wonders of negative press, Joe Francis is the narcissistic creator of Girls Gone Wild. He is often arrested for the solicitation of minors and assault on women when they get a little mouthy (those bitches). He’s also 33 and makes a living off of getting extremely drunk girls to take off their clothes for a trucker hat… fashion abomination that it is. You can read more about his classy behaviors here: Baby, give me a kiss
Tucker Max is the slightly younger, slightly more intelligent author who writes about/exploits women who are searching for acceptance and are usually not very bright. Oh, and he has a law degree from Duke that he does nothing with, glad his parents spent a lot of money on that. If he lived in NYC he’d be a hipster and work at American apparel for sure. My friend Greg met him for an article when he was promoting his book and his impression was “he’s that loser who couldn’t get laid in high school and is now making up for his inadequacies.” The only thing that makes me feel a little better is that the first time he tried to do a girl he didn’t respect up the butt she shot shit all over him. You can read that here: Butt Sex
So here is the imminent situation: Tucker Max is at a bar blowing into his breathalyzer, yelling out his blood-alcohol level, pathetically searching for attention from the first drunk slutty bitch that comes around, preferably with fake titties when BAM! Joe Francis walks in the door with an entourage of drunk 18 year olds. They lock eyes and the entire bar melts away with a dreamy slow-motion 80s music love montage (even the barely legal sluts). And you know this is serious. They never knew that their love counterpoint existed in another, but it does. A thick cloud of Smug fills the room, potent with narcissism and misogyny. Tucker plows through the women and grabs Joe in a firm embrace. He pulls his pants down in one fatal swoop, rips off Joe’s snap up parachute pants and goes to town, planting a seed that will soon grow into the most powerful being since Jesus.
And then they exchange some, “Dude, I’m not gay”-s. But they probably do it a couple more times because everybody knows their sexual conquests are attempts to mask their insecurities about being queer. Really, inconsequential though because the baby devil is already planted.
Obviously we must do everything to prevent this from happening. I’m not sure what, but everything.
10.29.2007
Tucker Max + Joe Francis = Anti-Christ. True Story.
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