Celeblah de Mayo!

While most (smart) people are buzzing about the just released “100 Most Influential People” list by Time Magazine, I’m focused on another ranking of 100 people. One where nary a Vladimir Putin, George W. Bush, or the Dalai Lama can be found (though I do think the Dalai Lama is super cute). Indeed, I am referring to People’s “100 Most Beautiful People” list. Now, let me set out a few guidelines here, so I can avoid a barrage of criticism. Unlike the former ranking, the latter focuses SOLELY on the aesthetic. Personality doesn’t matter people! I don’t care how funny, smart, whacky, hipster, whatever the person is. If they are not aesthetically pleasing – if I don’t either a) wish I could be them for a day, or b) wish I could fuck them for a day – then I will sure as shit criticize their place on the list. And yes, I DO realize that we all have different tastes. I have a friend who thinks Phillip Seymour Hoffman is divine! Personally, I’ve got no qualms with him, though others don’t agree at all. So, a warning, if you think that Steve Buscemi is the ultimate, the dreamiest of dreamy, then maybe you should skip this post. If not, well, at least you’ve been warned.

OK, my first, and perhaps biggest, issue with this list has to do with Rumer Willis, the 19 year-old daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. While we all know that Demi Moore is gorgeous (eh-em not ranked) her daughter is not quite a carbon copy. Evidence below:

Now you must agree – I just did the right thing here – I picked a pretty picture of her. But with her chin and nose, and general other Bruce-y traits, I just don’t think that Rumer merits an appearance on the list, especially when her mother is not.

Others I take issue with:

· Apparently, People asked the ladies of “The Hills” to take photos of themselves upon arising. Audrina took a photo of herself with a blanket and a cup of coffee, looking pensively out of a window. LC’s photo shows her sitting at her mirror applying makeup. Whitney looks fresh-faced, and is caught in the middle of brushing her teeth. AND THEN there’s Heidi… She wears only a bra, a ton of makeup, tousles her hair, and makes love to the camera with her eyes. Oh Heidi, you make me so sad. And SO nauseous…

· Do people (not People, I know that answer) actually think that Josh Groban is good looking? NOTE: If you don’t know what the people I’m referring to look like, and I haven’t included a pic, please please PLEASE feel free to take it upon yourself to Google Image search them. It is a very handy tool. Back to my train of thought: Is Josh Groban – that really lame singer – considered attractive? Maybe I’m wrong, but I always thought he looked like a major toolbox. Listen, I get the whole Michael Buble thing. I know, he sings lame-o music too, but at least he’s got some appeal. But Groban looks like the kind of guy who went to renaissance fairs growing up. I’m sorry, not my type.

· Amanda Beard is very talented. The 26 year-old swimmer won a gold-medal at the last summer Olympics, a feat to be sure. However, as already mentioned, talent and personality should not be a factor. She is attractive, but is she one of the most beautiful people in the world? In the U.S. even? I don’t think so. I have friends that are far more attractive than Amanda Beard. I guess I’d like to be her for a day, so I’d know what it feels like to win a gold medal. But on a purely physical level, I don’t think I’d have much success at a bar looking like Amanda Beard. Unless I was slutty.

· People’s list also contained a section titled, “Beauty at Every Age” featuring photos of beautiful women at each age, from 20 all the way to 59. If I were a major bitch, a la Perez Hilton, I could pick apart several of the women chosen for this section. However, I’ll bite my tongue, and respectfully disagree with just one: Maria Shriver. When I see Maria Shriver, whether it be in photos or on video, I am immediately terrified. I can’t really explain this visceral reaction; I think the best way to equate it is to the fear that Javier Bardem’s haircut generates in “No Country for Old Men.” :::Shudder:::

· People missing: Drew Barrymore (last year’s MOST beautiful), Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, Gwyneth Paltrow, Katherine Heigl, Orlando Bloom, Gerard Butler, Matt Damon and, most shockingly, Christian Bale!!! I’m sorry, but I love Christian Bale. More than any other man in the world. …sigh… PICTURE!!!

Newsies!!!

OK, I’m done. And now…

Tom Cruise, resident nut-job extraordinaire, appeared on Oprah last Friday for a candid interview discussing his ludicrous behavior in the past three years. As a “media person” myself, I knew immediately while watching the show that an extensive amount of media training went into this interview. I can only assume that Winfrey, a long time friend of Cruise who is celebrating his “25 years since Risky Business”, sent Cruise and his team the questions ahead of time. Of course this would be mutually beneficial as landing this huge interview with Cruise since his several meltdowns is a coup for Winfrey, and Cruise needs a platform to clear the crazy from his name. To be perfectly honest, he DID do well. Yes, other gossipers have been quick to pick apart the pieces, but really there’s not much to criticize. He didn’t defend his past behavior, such as couch jumping, as there’s really no adequate defense to give except to say that he was just “so in love and excited!” Regarding his feelings on medication, he’s revised his previous statements, (YOU’RE GLIB, MATT! YOU’RE GLIB!) to ones of tolerance on others’ choices, though he would not choose medication for himself. Which is truly the most unfortunate statement of all during the entire interview. It’s pretty clear to me that Tom Cruise, with his seemingly manic episodes, would benefit quite a bit from medication himself.

Do you watch “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” on E!? I hate to admit it, but I do. Kim Kardashian, famous for her gadunkadunk butt and sex tape with Ray-Jay, got in a fight with her sisters on last Sunday’s episode. Apparently, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney (yes, their names ALL start with Ks) went to pick up Kim’s new Bentley. But it wasn’t ready, so they had to wait and wait and wait. The ever impatient Khloe and Kourtney got annoyed and said something to the mechanic. At which point a fight occurred and Kim got involved, siding with the mechanic over her sisters (OMG – I just realized how sad it is that I remember all of these details from last week. And that I actually care.) Anyway, the fight caused a rift between the sisters, with Kim assuming that the only reason her sisters were angry was because they were jealous that she was getting a Bentley, not because the guy was rude to them. But jealous of her “career” and her money and her car. I loathe and detest Kim Kardashian.

On this week’s episode, the Kardashians travel together on a ski vacation to Breckenridge, Colorado. The girls have not made up and the fighting only intensifies. Kim decides to text her boyfriend all night, and ignore her family. This angers her mother, who throws Kim’s phone. Kim flips out, and the whole family starts teasing her. This causes her to flip out even FURTHER and throw her mother’s blackberry down a flight of stairs, breaking it irreparably. Kim remains sulky for the rest of the vacation – crying in her bedroom, wearing trashy bathing suits in a Jacuzzi, bitching to her boyfriend – you know, the usual. She then packs her bags, storms out of house, and carts her crap to the bus station. In the meantime, Khloe calls her cell and leaves an apology, so Kim comes back. Yay! Hearts <3>

Switching gears, as you may or may not know, one of my favorite television shows of ALL TIME is Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator.” In this vein, I tend to like any other Dateline NBC show featuring Chris Hansen. (Side Note: If you have the same sort of love for Handsome Hansen, you may enjoy the Soundboard – my favorite is “I’m Big!”) On Friday night’s episode of Dateline, Hansen did an exposé featuring the following man:

His name is Gemase (Ja-may-es) Simmons, and he advertises himself as one of the top male supermodels in the world. The male “Tyra Banks.” I thought that was Tyson Beckford??? Anyway, this dude convinced hopeful models that he was hosting a modeling show. He put the perspective models through boot camp, forcing them to run miles upon miles, crawl through mud, etc. Simmons is also accused of sexually harassing both the male and female contestants.

Not to detract from any pain and suffering the contestants may have endured, but I do take issue with this story. First, how could anyone believe that this purely average looking short man that they’d never heard of was an international supermodel? Really?!? Second, the contestants were forced to pay their own way to the show’s location, and even remained on-site once the cameramen left. THE SHOW WAS CLEARLY BULLSHIT! Finally, and most important, the vast majority of the contestants were not even attractive. Like not good looking at ALL. As my friend Allie pointed out, when did the young people in our culture stop believing in working hard for their success, and think it only natural to take the easy way out via reality TV? Now, I know you readers are smart, but I think it only wise to warn just in case – stay away from men who look like this:

Other news you may or may not care about:

· BREAKING NEWS: Scarlett Johansson (23) and her boyfriend, Ryan Reynolds (31) are engaged - her publicist confirms the news, though says they haven't set a date. Following, Reynolds last engagement to Alanis Morrisette, which lasted FOREVER.

· Barbara Walters has been on a media tour blitz promoting her new autobiography “Audition.” In the book, Walters dishes on former “The View” co-hosts, and admits to having an affair with Senator Edward Brooke in the ‘70s. This comes as a shock to the world, as Senator Brooke is black and was married at the time. Who knew, Babs? She truly is, “a lady in the street, and a freak in the bed.”

· For all you “Hills” fans, LC apparently has a new boyfriend (and he’s not Grody Jenner or Stephen Colletti – sadpants!). It’s Doug Reinhardt, 23, a minor league baseball player who is apparently pretty cool and has been photographed with LC rocking a sweet ‘stache.

· Lindsay Lohan will guest star on “several” episodes of Ugly Betty, the first one being this season’s finale. Seems her agent has taken a page out of Britney Spears’ agent’s book, realizing the best way for a comeback is for a successful guest appearance on a popular TV show. Britney did well. Will Lohan hold up to the scrutiny? Time will tell, though based on the success of “I Know Who Killed Me,” this does not bode well.

· Revision to last Thursday’s story: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are actually married – this news is confirmed by his family and by the priest who presided over the ceremony. Also by Randy Jackson who sent a text to Ryan Seacrest reading something along the lines of, “It’s a done deal, dawg!” Gag me with a spoon.

· SNL Star Cheri Oteri’s father was stabbed to death. I don’t have much to say, other than this is sad…

In the next issue of the Celeblahblog, be prepared for a virtual gynecological exam of Barbara Walters. I will chronicle her tour-de-force, from lovers to friends (how can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?) to ex-co-hosts. So stock up on Dramamine, fools, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.