Composing my own biography, also known as an “autobiography”

So a few uh, people I know, began talking about biography writing today, which somehow led to an email list of how awesome mine would be. Thus, I thought I would take their suggestions and compose a work encompassing the greatness that is the first 22 years of my life…

Kelly Lynn Helder was born in South Carolina in a large truck. It had been a rainy torrential night, but little K-Hel arrived as dawn broke, and the sun sang from behind the mountain tops. K-Hizzle went on to get in the truck many a time, although she often refused to stay in the truck.


During her kindergarten days she would chase the females around the playground, pulling their pigtails, sticking her tongue out and making them cry. And then she would “goose” all the boys. [me: so I was bi-curious? Lauren: no, just really mean]

As she approached her adolescence, Ms. Helder would ride mastodons bareback across the countryside whilst munching on teddy grahams laden with cold, delicious whole milk. But the childlike wonderment could only last so long before she was condemned to the land of school with its dirty math problems, Aids and ugly people.

In high school she wandered out of the “box,” cued magical happenings, and had great adventures. One such adventure consisted of battling the mysterious dark lord of Raleigh, North Carolina to win the title of most intelligent person alive. And the she won most attractive person in America, which would have been the world but people from Brazil are really hot.

During high school she also had a run in with the R.Kelly trails, as a witness to tinkle time and the preponderance of yellow tinted evidence. R. Kelly got sent back into the closet with Tom Cruise and John Travolta, where he remains today. K-Hel still considers this one of her greatest achievements.

College is blank. Too much alcohol.

She then became a magical princess in a mortal world who blogs to enrich the lives of dull individuals. She now lives in New York City and has a pet dinosaur. Kisses to Hubert and Patsy.