Five of the worst robots ... ever - TechHumorist

In a historical effort that made the rest of mankind ashamed of its accomplishments, NASA scientists celebrated the successful landing of the Phoenix on the surface of Mars Sunday night.

With its onboard laboratories, robotic arm and multitude of cameras, NASA's $420 million project is meant to prove one thing -- that robots are awesome. And I guess something else about life on Mars.

But this mechanical creation, which right now is happily employed digging ditches in icy Martian soil, isn't particularly representative of its autonomous brethren -- especially when it comes to consumer-driven products.

Click the jump for a look at the top five crappiest robots ever conceived by man.



#5 - Rolly

Have those Apple-tastic giant iPod earbud speakers become too boring for you? Are you prepared to take your love of unique and quirky electromechanical transducers to the next level?

Then boy does Sony have a product for you.

For just $400, you too can achieve your lifelong dream to get served by a seizure-inducing plastic egg.

Called the Rolly, this little dancing contraption rolls and spins while flashing neon lights and belting out your favorite tunes from its 180-degree speakers. In case your interests lie beyond Rolly's included dance moves from Avril Lavigne and Earth, Wind and Fire (which apparently Japan thinks runs the gamut of American musical taste), you can upload your own music to its 2GB flash memory. You can even breathe new life into your failed attempt at America's Best Dance Crew with its pre-installed Rolly Choreographer software.

It's good to see a company that still focuses on giving consumers what they really want -- the opportunity to die a horrible, embarrassing death after slipping on a randomly maneuvering spheroid while dancing naked in your living room. It's enough to make HAL 9000 proud.

And don't forget to watch things get real as Omarion challenges the Rolly to a dance off. Oh, the humanity.


#4 - Robot bartender

Go ahead. Push the red button. Do it.

I just hope you aren't expecting beer anytime soon, because after this barley-blaspheming gizmo is done with its one and only function, you could have brewed a pint yourself.

You'd think that time could at least be spent perfecting the pour, but it seems the Asahi Robocco is too busy yammering like a nine-year-old Japanese schoolgirl to avoid the five-inch head that results from its ghastly delivery. I don't speak Japanese, so I can't imagine what the thing is saying, but judging by the strain in the horrible contraption's LED anime-eyes, it seems to be talking you through its internal process of actually crapping the can out of its plastic innards.

What makes this product's failure even more epic is that a Duke graduate spent about $500 to construct his vastly superior robot, which in lieu of opening the can for you calculates your position and lobs a cold one to you.



Yeah, Japan. That's how we roll.


#3 - The "Chief Cook Robot"

Most consumers spend money and time looking to expand their pre-existing repertoire of meals by buying cookbooks or overdosing on the Food Network.

But researchers in Switzerland have turned that concept on its head with the development of the Chief Cook Robot. Now, anybody can teach their crappy recipes to an apparently paraplegic automaton with the ability to learn and recall motion.

This robot's not necessarily on track for the market, but disheartened latchkey kids with a hankering for Hamburger Helper should never underestimate the human desire for a clumsy, metallic sous chef that can stand in for mom and dad in a pinch.

If there's a demand, you can bet your Sam's Club bulk mayonnaise that we'll see the Chief on Williams-Sonoma shelves everywhere -- right next to the $3,700 coffeemaker.

Mmm. Mediocrity tastes like chicken.



#2 - Clocky

Do you have a deep-seated desire to be jolted awake by a dodgy little bastard of a machine that finds pleasure in eluding your grasp?

Well, look no further than Clocky, the newest iteration in nerdy alarm clocks meant for those of use who find it impossible to get out of bed in the morning.

After sounding the alarm, Clocky puts its oversized tires to work, rolling under your bed, wandering into the next room -- wherever it can get to force droopy-eyed, pre-caffeinated slackers to stomp around the house in an effort to snatch it and cease its inane beeping.

Although Clocky is only the runner-up in this awful list of robotic abortions, it takes the first prize for a secondary superlative -- "Device most likely to be bludgeoned to death by your bedside copy of I, Robot."


#1 - That change-eater thing from the 80s

Memories of this little machine are still fresh in my mind. Mostly due to my lasting and extreme bitterness over funneling most of my meager allowance down the gullet of this bucktoothed monstrosity, which resided smugly on a shelf in my friend's house down the street.

For children of the 80s and 90s, this squat Radio Shack-exclusive was the first glimpse at pretty much anything robotic, particularly within the confines of the home.

Robie the Banker, as he was called, slept until you placed a coin into his waiting claw. His eerie green eyes would shoot open and he'd swallow his new meal, with a wiggle that would, in humans, indicate the beginnings of a grand mal seizure. Then with a creepy flick of the tongue that showed a complete lack of respect for the uncanny valley, he would descend back into his deep slumber.

Aside from inspiring some truly epic Web sites, Robie firmed his position as the most awkward piggy(-bot?) bank ever, since you had to pry off his ass and dig through his guts to access your shiny haul.

But what makes Robie truly the worst robot ever is the fact that after the novelty of a coin-eating contraption wore off, consumers realized they just forked over real money to watch a relentless, unstoppable machine devour more of their money.

Then they remembered they already paid taxes.

So there you have it -- the foils to this weekend's spacefaring automaton, which so gently improved NASA's Mars success rate. They dance, they cook and they even turn currency into lunch.

Laugh now -- while we still can.