Game developers to your living room: 'We hate you'

It seems the gaming industry overlords have made a unanimous decision concerning this summer's must-have gaming accessory.

Barricaded a few months ago in their fortress constructed entirely of solid gold, discarded Red Bull cans and toxic console ingredients, game developers apparently agreed that to take part in the fun that is next-generation gaming, players must use the spare bedroom to fit all the Chinese plastic shit to help you get in the game.

So sorry Grandma. Unless you can figure out a way to earn your keep by allowing me to burn hookers without consequences, it's off to the old folks home for you.

If gamers didn't feel the need to begin construction on that addition to their house before, these last two weeks certainly confirmed it.

Most recently, the Wii Fit launched May 21 with the promise to not only turn fat gaming nerds into Bowflex models, but to insult insecure young girls as well. Nintendo's newest effort to reach new and more casual audiences (who will undoubtedly get in shape just running around trying to get the damn thing), comes complete with a wireless balance board that aides in gameplay.

But there's also Guitar Hero IV, which last week let forth a slew of product shots meant to entice e-rockers into marking their calendars for its release. Included in those pictures was a shot of the game's drum set peripheral, with a "sturdier construction and dedicated cymbal pads." Read: it will take up more room than your already massive Rock Band setup.

Throw in Konami's Rock Revolution, which promises to pathetically nip at the heels of its older, more successful brothers like Stephen Baldwin on the Sci-Fi Channel, you've got a ready recipe for a horrible, life-crushing divorce.

That is, absent some well-reasoned intervention.


With some of the more novel peripherals, it just can't be helped. With devices like the Wii Balance Board or the Wii Little Plastic Steering Wheel That Turns Agile Drivers Into Retards, there is the added draw that you can put them to use in other games. The Balance Board, for example, can be used in the coming-to-the-clearance-rack-near-you title Wii Ski.

But because of playground-esque infighting between Guitar Hero publisher Activision and Rock Band publisher Harmonix, the two companies have failed to make even their guitars fully compatible between games.

That doesn't bode well for the newest contraptions on the horizon, which coincidentally take up a much greater portion of your wallet and living room real estate.

I think back to a time when peripherals were simpler. When gamers were happy just to get the newest game system for Christmas. It was easier then -- much more black and white.

Peripherals typically came in three categories.

Some came with the system.


Others were so phenomenally crappy that no one wanted to buy them.

Some were so expensive that only the rich spoiled kid up the street who you only tolerate to play with his toys got one.

I guess expectant gamers can take solace in the fact that developers are running out of nouns to mix and match with "Rock" and "Guitar." On second thought, they'll never run out of numbers. God help us.