I want your sex.

Maxim’s “Hot 100” came out this week. Luckily, this time, I didn’t have to purchase the magazine in order to get the list like I had to for People. Although with People, I didn’t consider it a waste of money. However, with Maxim, a magazine that has no shame in objectifying women, I would feel cheap just buying the rag. Just a warning: I’ve already been judgmental, so I’m going to continue to be.

I guess what I expect to get out of this issue is guidance. Guidance as to what men find “hot” and “sexy.” I’m always interested in understanding other people, and men are clearly a mystery to me as a woman, so I think this will be an interesting peek inside the head of a man. Or a Maxim man, as it may be.

The first girl I take issue with is Emma Watson, of “Harry Potter” fame. The star, who is ranked number 94 on the list, is only 18 years-old. Yes, I know that this is “technically” legal, but she LOOKS about 15. And you totally know they’ve wanted to include her for a while. The writer of the blurb even laments, “One of the Harry Potter stars has appeared nude onstage. Sadly, it wasn’t 18-year-old Emma.”







:::Quick Aside::: I’m scrolling though the pictures online. I just came across Lacey Chabert’s photo (90) and my favorite lil’ sis on “Party of Five” looked like a high class hooker. I flipped past, thinking I wouldn’t make comment and came across the picture below of Stacey Keibler. And then I threw up a little in my mouth – was this supposed to be part of the last post I did on fetishes?







I must say yays! to their choice of America Ferrara – the only non-size-2 bionic woman on the list thus far (at 84). She is totally cute and sweet, and I’m glad she got a spot. Except that instead of a full, semi-nude body shot, America’s picture is a bust shot, close up of boobies and up. Classy, Maxim!

Both LC and Audrina of “Hills” fame make it onto the Top 100, LC at 56 looking classy in a tank top and Audrina looking cheesy in a gold lamé bikini at number 74. The top ranked “Hills” girl, however, is…drum roll please…Heidi Montag! Yes, if YOU too want to make it to number 36 on Maxim’s Hot 100 list next year, I recommend you take the following steps:

· Drop out of college
· Bleach your hair blonde
· Get a nose job
· Definitely get breast implants!
· Look out for number one – yourself! If that means stabbing yourself best friend in the back, do it. If that means dicking over coworkers, oh well! If that means spreading rumors, do it.
· Feign innocence all the time.
· Hook up with the biggest sleazebag you can find.







On the Gossip Girl side, Leighton Meester (AKA Blair) came in at number 48. Maxim reveals that Meester used the free time during the writer’s strike to capitalize on her newfound fame by recording her first album (can’t wait to review that shit!). Not far away from Blair comes her sometimes nemesis, more recently BFF, Serena (Blake Lively) at number 43. Hate to admit, but I’m tots gonna go see that Pants part deux movie.

Choices I’m confused about:

· Shannon Elizabeth at 29. OK, I get it, every guy loved her following American Pie. But didn’t that movie come out in 1999 – 9 years ago? What the hell has she done since then? Not that you have to be famous to be “hot” I guess, but ummmm actually, don’t you?

· Avril Lavigne at 24. Is she hot? Really? I don’t get it.

· Fergie at 35. Yup, she’s got a great body. We all know that. And she makes OK music. But I don’t think her face is really that pretty.

· Britney Spears at 19. Now, COME ON! No one wants to have sex with her! Except crazy fans. But really – is SHE what is sexy now? Am I supposed to have 2 babies with a reject and then develop a serious problem and abandon them? Is that SEXY, Maxim?!? You disgust me.

· Ashley Tisdale at number 10. The High School Musical chick beats out all those other girls? Who is she anyway?

· Eva Longoria Parker at 4. I don’t really get it. I mean, yeah, I get why she’s on the list. But number four? Is she THAT hot? I think I need to phone a friend…

So who wasn’t on the list? Gisele Bundchen or (in my opinion at least) the embodiment of sex herself, Angelina Jolie. Also missing is the ever-popular Halle Berry. I thought at first that mothers might not have qualified, but I was incorrect as Christina Aguilera made it to number 8. So what happened? Are they not hot anymore? I don’t get the selection process!

In my attempt to correct this selection process, LeBlogutopia offers up the top three hottest ladies, with a twist. Now THIS is sexy. Hot sex on platter, in fact.

Number 3 – Jessica Biel







Number 2 – Scarlett Johansson







Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd….Number 1 – Marissa Miller (Clearly the sexiest of all!)