Les Ingénues Issue

Scarlett Johansson’s new album. Lindsay Lohan stealing coats. Star Jones talking smack on my Babbity-Babs. It is SO time for another celeblahblog.

I was tasked by my editor-in-chief K Hel to write an album review. No, no, don’t be shocked, this is related to my current position. An album review of Scarlett Johansson’s premiere album release. And so, I consented. Who doesn’t want to hear what ScarlettJo actually sounds like? (If you don't, I suggest you not click the link).

If you don’t already know, the newly-released album, titled, “Anywhere I Lay My Head” contains cover songs of Tom Waits music. If you don’t know who Tom Waits is, he is typically described as a folk-rock singer, who has won Grammys in the past. If you’d like to know more about Tom Waits, feel free to visit the Wikipedia entry on him here as an FYI.

Back to the album. It also contains one original song, co-written by both Johansson and her music-producer David Andrew Sitek titled, “Song for Jo.” In describing the song, ScarlettJo says, “It was a memory of someone that's very close to me: a vague and blissful memory of my wanton youth or whatever. It's a song about friendship, I think." Talk about vague…does she understand the song? The “or whatever” and “I think” don’t make me think that SJ is really so attached to the music.

Regardless of all that, let’s talk about the songs. I kind of feel like it’s pointless to review the entire album. She didn’t write the lyrics or the music (though this isn’t atypical) and she’s not the first one to release these songs. Therefore, I’ll only discuss the single and the original. So do the songs have merit? Actually, her single “Falling Down” isn’t so bad. And David Bowie sings back-up on it which is pretty damn sweet. The thing is, I don’t really think Scarlett is so much a singer as much as she is a rhythmic speaker, but all that aside, the single is OK. “Song for Jo” is not so good. At all. Nope.

As has also been pointed out to me on this subject, which I agree with ENTIRELY, who the fuck releases a cover album as their debut? Really?!? What sort of merit and credibility have you built up in the music industry that you’ve afforded this sort of vanity project? Answer: None.

Most offensive to my sensibilities, however, is not her near-entire album of cover songs, crappy original song, or pseudo-sexy voice. No, no, none of these make me nearly as annoyed as her music video. Please watch and enjoy below:

As you can see, ScarlettJo leads a VERY tough life. She is chauffeured around foreign cities while blowing bubbles, and then has to endure talented make-up artists, costume designers, manicurists, producers, and the like pampering her and giving her direction. All while she pouts and looks mizzy. Aw, life is SO hard for a movie star! People smiling at me at all day? Earning ridiculous paychecks for one day of work?!? No! I will not accept such a meager offering! Instead, I will make a crappy cover album to show the world how hard it is to be me. Yay! Honestly, I’d take a Lindsay Lohan video any day over this crap.

Which of course is the perfect transition to my next story. Lindsay Lohan! I’m sure most of you have heard by now, but our dear Ms. Lohan stole some chick’s coat. Oh, it sounds so innocuous but it truly isn’t. As an NYC coat-theft victim, I know the pain of having someone steal your coat. Apparently, Lindsay walked in a bar with a nice black coat, and left wearing a tan mink coat worth about $11,000. Somehow this is an honest mistake. Really? So after the owner of the mink coat saw Lindsay wearing it, she publicized the story, and Ms. Lohan’s people returned the coat to the club with no explanations. Classy. Not to be outdone, the owner is suing for $10,000 calling it a “rental fee.” Why are people so ridiculous? And better yet, why can’t Lindsay stay on the wagon?



Not so much of an ingénue, but still good gossip nonetheless, Star Jones is trés angry about Barbara Walters' new autobiography “Audition”. US Weekly spoke with her today (thanks US!) and Star had the following to say, “It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book…It speaks to her true character.” Nope - not bitter at all, Star! Have fun with the big D!

Other news you may or may not care about:

· Amy Winehouse got arrested in relation to that video of her “allegedly” smoking crack that came out a while ago. She’s out on bail now. Her deah Blahhhke is still incahhcirated. Crackpants.

· Apparently, right before walking down the aisle, Mariah Carey got “Mrs. Cannon” tattooed on her back. Because we all know Hollywood weddings last as long as tattoos do. Permanentlydumbpants.

· Britney Spears is getting more time during visitations with her kids. SoOverBritneyNewsPants.


Postscript: I had my own brush with fame on Monday night. To be honest, the guy is truly a c-list celebrity. Maybe d. But I’ll give him the C-List bump. His name is Chris Marquette, and he played Eli in “The Girl Next Door” which is one of my favorite movies for a slew of reasons which I won’t go into. You may also recognize him as the dorky/annoying kid brother from “Just Friends.” Apparently he’s been in other movies, but I don’t remember him being in them. So whatevs.




The important thing to know is: THIS GUY IS A DOUCHE. If you too find yourself in NYC’s East Village, and for some reason enjoy either of the movies listed above, and for some reason think that someone with bit parts in mildly successful movies would be humble, and therefore you’d like to say “Hey, just saw you hanging out doing nothing on a sidewalk and wanted to say I really liked that movie you were in. Have a pleasant evening.” Don’t do it! Push down the urge! This guy is NOT worth your time.

Maybe I’m being judgmental. Maybe he was having a really rough Cinco de Mayo, hanging out with his boys, and just wanted to be left alone. I mean, why would a short kinda fugly dude want to be approached by 2 cute girls who are sorta fans? No clue. OK. Done. Rant complete.