Note: Do not throw lemons at the bad people. Instead make them into cupcakes.

[Introducing the lovely guest columnist, Dana of Dana Dishes!]

My mom has always been full of southern-bred wisdom. “No one will buy the cow if you give away the milk for free,” “Pretty is as pretty does,” “Try not to say ‘fuck’ so much,” etc. But the one that resonates the most with me is definitely “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”

Not literal lemonade, of course. Because there aren’t literal lemons, silly. What kind of life “hands” you lemons? Like, a bushel or sack or whatever it is lemons come in. But in this scenario, lemons, supposedly an unwanted gift (hello, what New Yorker wouldn’t be delighted if someone handed them a sack of fresh, beautiful lemons—for free? Have you SEEN the produce here? And the prices!), are turned into lemonade, a sweeter, more crowd-pleasing solution. Take the lemons, make lemonade.

Well, that sounds great, but I interpret this in a completely different way. If life hands me anything (catty comments, bad train ride, two feet of snow, bitchy encounter), I take it to the kitchen. There, I squeeze, de-seed and sweeten whatever it is that’s bringing me down. I turn bitchiness into breads, frustrations into fondant, and negativity into meringues. That’s right. I changed it up.

In the kitchen I have several rules.

1) If you feel like crying, make a savory, onion-filled dish. That way, you can blame it on the onions. Nobody wants tear-salted cookies.

2) If it’s man trouble, it needs to be chocolate, and/or it needs to be kneaded.

3)You kill more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. This is another Momism that I’ve never quite understood, having never attempted to kill a fly with either honey or vinegar. How does that work, exactly? I guess with the honey, you could get them really sticky, and then they might not be able to fly away, but then you have a huge mess on your countertop. But I suppose it’s bound to be more effective than souring them to death with vinegar? Anyway, I take this to mean, after a fight, if you bake all of your frustrations into a delicious pie that both of you can share later, they will be distracted and fooled into forgiving you, and in the end, you get to eat pie. So there’s no losing in this scenario. They get over it, you get pie.

4) Messes are for suckers. If the fight is with your domestic partner or roommate, make something extra messy and delicious. Once they are filled with gratitude for the lovely baked goods, they might be willing to pitch in and help clean. You can worry over the mixer attachments, washing and re-washing each tiny crevice, while they think you’re helping, and end up doing all of the other, less interesting, chores.

I take my problems to the kitchen, but by the time I’ve set out my brightly colored mixing bowls, tied on a vintage apron, and started sifting things together, I’m already smiling the biggest, dumbest grin. Things don’t always make sense in life, but they always make sense in the kitchen. Whether you follow all the directions or experiment a little, generally you know what to expect. You combine the ingredients for bread, and you do it right, and you get Bread!!! It’s not that its simple, it’s just predictable. And comforting. And either way, you get to eat something in the end. How bad can that be?