Science saves animals from drowning, bad street cred

It seems science, much like Lady Justice and fans of emo music, doesn't discriminate. At least when it comes to setting the record straight on animals.

Science came to the rescue today, helping polar bears avoid a slow and methodical death by drowning and correcting the stereotype about sloths. This incredible combination of cute and ugly proves what computer science majors have long known, that science loves you no matter what you look like -- as long as you're a mammal.

Polar bears: In what he begrudgingly noted several times was a decision based on the "best available science," U.S. Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne today announced that he was listing polar bears on the endangered species list as "threatened." That means those cute and cuddly bears with the ability to rip a man in half are in danger of becoming, well endangered, in the future.

Kempthorne, whose name is more befitting an action hero than a politician, predicts that will happen in about 45 years.

That's a result of the shrinking Arctic ice that forms the basis to the polar bear habitat, which Kempthorne discussed at this morning's press conference.

"When we have looked at what is actually happening in the Arctic, we have found considerably less sea ice than the models are projecting. My hope is that the projections from these models are wrong and that the sea ice does not further recede."

But recognizing that, "wittle, fuzzy polar bear cubs" [Ed. note: he didn't say this at all] are too powerful a tool for hippies in their fight against oil companies, Kempthorne issued a few clarifications to keep environmentalists from interpreting the move as a gateway to "backdoor climate policy."

He noted that scientists have not linked any bear deaths to oil and gas development, and that the use of the Endangered Species Act to impact these industries would be a no-no.

I'm sure we'll hear from Stephen Colbert on this one.



Sloths: In a move that will undoubtedly lead to the complete restructure of the Motivationally Challenged Zoology curriculum, German scientists discovered that the three-toed sloth is not as lazy as they once thought.

The researchers tagged and tracked the sleep habits of the South American slaggards and found they sleep only 9.63 hours a day, instead of 16. Apparently, scientists had based the old stereotype on sloths in captivity, which apparently are even more ecologically useless than their algae-ridden wild cousins.

Sloth equality advocates hope this will end decades of humiliation for the horrible little creatures. They're also optimistic that the work will lead to more research that dismisses the ignorant caricatures of so many obscure species -- namely, that Tazmanian devils don't travel via tornadoes and that lemurs abhor dance music.

Nice try, Germany, but the good ole U.S. of A. already established a more accurate picture of sloths in a well respected documentary that aired quite a while ago. Go back to your bratwurst and leave the science to the big boys.