Sue Johanson is forcing me to review erotic literature.

Sue Johanson defined an entire era of my life, which can also be called “college.” But since I graduated I haven’t really been keeping up with the Treasure Chest and how to get my boyfriends flaccid penis to begin working correctly…yes I think he’s straight? And now, NOW, she is retiring. WOE IS ME!

I once had an entire relationship based on a mutual love of Sue (wussup Brad!) where we would sit in his dorm bed eat popcorn and listen intently for Sue’s infinite wisdom which included such gems as the actual number of holes a girl has (three!) where the clitoris is (not by the butt hole) and what a taint is (the skin between the ball sac and the butt hole). Really, I suppose I learned a lot about the butt hole in general.

I can’t believe Sue is retiring, even though she is 77. It’s devastating news really. Where are all my Southern-bred Bible-belt peers going to learn where to put their pieces-parts erotically and sensually without this beloved Toronto nurse? I have an idea, and I don’t think Ed and Lynn are going to like it.

Newest task assigned to myself with great enthusiasm: read as much erotic literature as possible and review it for the masses with tips explaining how to recreate possible situations.

First book on the list: Sexcapades by Honey B (as advertised on the Manhattan 6 train). (I will also be reviewing Sue’s last stand which airs Sunday night at midnight on Oxygen.)

Read more about Sue's retirement: Sex show host ending program