Sue's triumphant last stand!

This is the last Sue Johanson ever. Are you ready? I’m you know, crazy with anticipation. I also feel the need to insert my own commentary. Haha. Did you feel that? How about now?

Kayla, her first caller, is gay and is 19 and wants to try a strap on. Will she still be considered a virgin?
- Sue: The definition of a virgin is a female or male that has never had penis in vagina sex, and you would have had a sex toy, but what is the difference between that and a tampon? So you will still be a virgin.
- Me: Seriously, they just jumped right in. Lesbian strap on virgin questions? Tonight is going to be jampackedfull of goodness.

Click below to read the rest. It gets way better, I swear...


Carolyn has been with her “very overweight” bf for a year, but he hadn’t been with anyway for about 2 years and had hernia surgery and it burns when he cums inside her, but not when she gives him head.
- Sue has no idea, but knows it is not the hernia surgery. Get a book called Big, Big, big Love.
- Me: He is fat and lazy and just wants head. He is lying to you about the burning. Or he has the clap.

Cherisse from Atlanta orgasms through g-spot stimulation and she wants a g-sport stimulator. Also, what about when I get the bed all wet?
- Sue: Stay tuned! And cut up a trash bag, cover it with a towel and put it beside the bed so it is handy dandy when you are ready.
- Me: Female ejaculator warning! That’s sort of gross. So much on this show is sort of gross. But I love it.

Robert from Greensboro! North Carolina! Has noticed that the top 2/3 of the vagina have no nerve endings, so how long is that part?
- Sue: About 5 inches, so the bottom 1/3 of that. I don’t think a women would appreciate you sticking a ruler up her vagina.
- Me: Translation: I have a tiny penis. Poor guy, probs has a third nipple, too. Sadpants.

Crystal is a BIG masturbator with a 7 ½ vibrator and I put it at full speed and I press it hard and sometimes it hurts afterwards. Is it possible to break your clitoris?
- Sue: No, b/c it is spongy tissue and so it can’t break. Be more gentle, go to a sex store and find one that works for you.
- Me: You are dumb. And our sex education programs are failing our nation.

Jenny’s husband takes a very long time to finish during sex.
- He needs to start before you, he needs to take a long shower and have a little fantasy going and then you start stimulating him. And that’s just a big bonus. It is called delayed or retarded ejaculation. You need to be able to say your genitals are getting sore, so you need to finish on your own.
- Me: Sounds like a fag.

Kevin’s girlfriend and him have been having sex for over two years almost every day, is it going to be like this in to more years? And she gets pouty when he doesn’t get it up every time she wants it.
- Sue: WTF you asking me for? Usually, sex is very exciting for the first six months to a year, and then it slacks off. And she needs to learn how to pleasure herself.
- This is a boring question. Yawn. I can’t believe they are still talking about it. What happened to the lesbian strap-ons?

Kristy and her husband had sex for three hours and he swelled up like a balloon and its still heavy and swollen. His penis, not his balls.
- Sue: Its painful and throbbing and discolored red. He probably broken a blood vessel and that’s why it is swollen and heavy. The best thing he can do is take a day off of work and ice it.
- Me: Blue balls. Fo shoooo. This one was informative. Good job Sue. Haha Sue called her Misty. She is 77.

Ray’s “friend’s husband” is a premature ejaculatory. And now she has swollen ovaries from lack of orgasm.
- Sue: That isn’t possible. Your wife is a liar. And she needs to learn how to masturbate.
- Me: What? Is? Going? On?

Angela from Jersey City is dripping hot wax on her vagina for pleasure. She is from Jersey. And she wants to know if this is going to cause permanent damage. She does this four times a week.
- Sue: Why do you do this? Does it rip your pubic hair out? If it gives you blisters you need to stop, but other than it should be ok.
- Me: Sue is mesmerized. Hot wax on the vag.

Michael is addicted to a sex toy. Well his wife is and now she won’t do him, she just does the toy.
- Sue: Have you ever talked to her about it? Tell her you are worried. Don’t blame her. Try to figure out what the toy has that you don’t.
- Me: I can’t believe it’s been an hour already. Sue, I’m going to miss you so much. We’ll always have tonight. And hot wax.


SUE is crying! And she is wearing black because she is in mourning. Omg. I’m so upset. Sue. You are the greatest. I hope you live forever.

Sex will be sweeter if you wrap your Peter. The end.