We have all experienced holding ourselves back from certain relationships because it is impossible to know how someone will react to you. And I'm not talking about simply romantic relationships, weirdness and games in that shit is a given. Rather, it's the Mean Girls mentality, where you are afraid to actually be really friendly to a person you just met because they might think you are a freak and tell everyone that you can't come to their birthday party because there will be girls in bikinis and you are a big lesbian.
So you wait it out. You do the same slow warming up process as in a romantic relationship, holding back from letting them know how much you like them (even in a friendly way). You watch what you say and try really hard, and then one day when you feel that they like you enough, its ok to finally talk about poopy or how slutty you really are.
Unfortunately though, sometimes it is impossible to get to the openness of bodily function talk. The progress in a friendship fizzles out. But you don't realize it, and you keep on moving right along, calling them more and making plans. And instead of realizing that you think he is really cool in a platon
ic way, he thinks you want to marry him and have 10 million of his babies. Even though that has never come up in any sort of conversation. Just being nice and available has lead him to the conclusion that you fantasize about him naked.
And then, after something completely terrible happens, like you get AIDS or a sprained ankle, he offers to bring you some soup. And then four other people call and offer you the same service, because you are awesome and so well-loved, but you decline because someone is already bringing you soup. And then he blows you off. And then when you say it's not cool and you need some space because you are pissed, he starts in with the whole lesbian bathing suit birthday party crap. When really you just wanted someone to bring you some soup. I love soup!
And then you write a really passive aggressive blog almost a week later because it still really grinds your gears.
If you ever find yourself in this situation, the best course of action is to break up--unless they grovel at your feet for being only slightly less disgusting than Jeffery Dahmer. Thus, I have compiled some of the best break up cards around below.
If they have a shitty band
I need some space.
This one is true.
This one is NOT true.
Fill in the blanks.
4.25.2008
it's probably because i have a HUGE lesbian crush on you
Wrong. Dinosaurs are most closely related to me.
The New York Times today wrote that molecular evidence shows dinosaurs are in fact more closely related to birds than modern reptiles (the study will be published in Science today). This means Dr. Alan Grant was correct, and I am even more in love with him now than when I was eight.
Tests Confirm T. Rex Kinship With Birds
4.23.2008
VOTE 4 ME JEZEBEL!!!
Hillary, Obama and I have a ton in common. We are all underdogs in this blasted dog eat dog race to the top. They want to be president. And i want to be abused as an intern for the greatest blog ever created: Jezebel. And my competition will probably be tougher, feistier and better dressed, but I think everyone knows I can bring the awesome like no other. This is the beginning of my campaign towards internshipland!!!
Oh Jezebel, the things i would do for you. Here's a tasty little sampling:
1) Subject myself to a makeover movie montage set to Supermodel;
2) Read Cosmo, Lucky, Marie Claire and Glamour with limited cringing;
3) Run around in crazy heels fetching you steaks from Smith & Wollensky;
4) Laundry (even your delicates);
5) Watch Gossip Girl even though it clenches me up;
6) Speak with a Southern accent;
7) Find you the unpublished manuscripts of the next Harry Potter movie (or a bootleg copy of this);
8) Draw you up a bath of virgin's blood;
9) Further study LOL Cat grammar;
10) Submit to any bridal dress showcase you can muster up, even the Disney ones;
11) Rub ointment on your butt, like so:
And oh so much more.
I want the abuse. Badly. Dominate, spank, whip, wax and prod me, Jezebel. Not only can I handle it, I can do it with pizazz!, a basket full of bright ideas and a sunshiney face.
And so the campaign begins! Vote for me, the most qualified, smartest and awesome candidate!
4.21.2008
4.20.2008
"Kelly down!" "REPEAT Kelly is DOWN!"
Last night I was walking around, jamming to the beach boys, when WHAM I forgot how to walk and fell to the ground in a pile of pain. It hurt so badly that I actually started crying. I KNOW. I didn't even cry when I got stabbed 20 times and one of the blades pierced my right kidney. I'm so hard core.
So when I fell, of course it was in front of a bar with a bunch of people standing breathing toxic smoke and they were all like, "Oh man, are you ok?" I wasn't but I played it off because I'm awesome. I actually could barely stand, and i limped to the subway thinking this sucks, but i'll sleep it off.
Apparently, you can't sleep off the worst ankle sprain in the history of all mankind. And this morning I could't put any pressure on it without screaming, "FUCK YOU" at no one in particular. So Lisa played mommy and got me in a cab with a one way express ticket to the hospital.
The nice doctor at the hospital took some x-rays and gave me crutches and told me to learn how to walk correctly. And to ice my ankle and keep it elevated. And then she gave me some drugs that feel very nice.
That is all. I won the lynn helder award for slowness.
