Sue Johanson defined an entire era of my life, which can also be called “college.” But since I graduated I haven’t really been keeping up with the Treasure Chest and how to get my boyfriends flaccid penis to begin working correctly…yes I think he’s straight? And now, NOW, she is retiring. WOE IS ME!
I once had an entire relationship based on a mutual love of Sue (wussup Brad!) where we would sit in his dorm bed eat popcorn and listen intently for Sue’s infinite wisdom which included such gems as the actual number of holes a girl has (three!) where the clitoris is (not by the butt hole) and what a taint is (the skin between the ball sac and the butt hole). Really, I suppose I learned a lot about the butt hole in general.
I can’t believe Sue is retiring, even though she is 77. It’s devastating news really. Where are all my Southern-bred Bible-belt peers going to learn where to put their pieces-parts erotically and sensually without this beloved Toronto nurse? I have an idea, and I don’t think Ed and Lynn are going to like it.
Newest task assigned to myself with great enthusiasm: read as much erotic literature as possible and review it for the masses with tips explaining how to recreate possible situations.
First book on the list: Sexcapades by Honey B (as advertised on the Manhattan 6 train). (I will also be reviewing Sue’s last stand which airs Sunday night at midnight on Oxygen.)
Read more about Sue's retirement: Sex show host ending program
5.10.2008
Sue Johanson is forcing me to review erotic literature.
5.09.2008
Lady Catherine's Guide to Internet Relationships
Realizing that it has been five years since high school graduation, a friend of mine recently brought up the idea of reunions. Upon this note, I gagged slightly and then additionally vocally (and emphatically) expressed my extreme disinterest in attending said event. My reasoning rolled over sordid words that somewhat stated, “High school was wack, and I don’t miss it in any way, at all…yet.” The “yet” added with hesitation and overwhelming suspicion that it was unnecessary entirely, but still mentioned in case of future fictitious and fond memories. A pity “yet”, it could be called.
Additionally, why fly across the country to nostalgically convene and catch up? After all, I go to my high school reunion every single day on Facebook.
This led me to ponder the growing complications of modern relationships and web-based friendships.
While most people are familiar with proper methods of socialization and acceptable means of behavior in face-to-face encounters, how do we build and maintain relationships via the web? ( Those with normal interpersonal skills do not include the attractive hipster I’ve been glancing back and forth with constantly for the last two hours, while sipping cold coffee, only to now notice his left ring finger is heavy with golden glam…gag. )
So this reunion thing. I really did enjoy high school, and I honestly do care about my Facebook and Myspace friends, even though I will never see many of them ever again. Also, we haven’t spoken or written or thought about each other in years. Additionally, we may perhaps have nothing in common anymore. Well, except a few shared drunken or awkward situations hidden in the past.
Regardless of this growing distinction and distance, or maybe because of it, I remain fascinated by these now strangers, their publicized life decisions, and incredible evolutions of character. It is as if I’m watching a film slowly unfold, over years, on and on into eternity, with a constantly changing, incredibly dynamic cast. Only, I used to play a part in the story, can still step in at will, but am for now and in most cases, outside of view, enjoying the creative liberties of a voyeur.
Following are a few simple rules to guide us as we fumble through the newest form of fraternizing.
1. Be Real
It is easy to become way cooler than you actually are when all it involves is listing a few activities that you may have participated in…once, that time, way back when. Yeah, you claim traveling as a hobby, but you haven’t ventured outside of your state in years, your band was lame and broke up when we were freshman, and you haven’t run in seven months. Fess up. Writing statements on multiple, public sites don’t make them any more true.
2. Be Consistent
While I respect the position of only maintaining actual, real life, “you can count on me friendships” on the web, I do believe that you should decide from the onset what approach to take. I’ve known people to reject any individual they don’t hang out with on a weekly basis. Or worse, brag that they’ve “never requested a friendship” as if that makes them more interesting or awesome than us. Actually, it just makes you lame. Still there are others who have an obsession of gaining several thousand friends as soon as possible, throwing discretion out the window and attacking their “friends” goal with greater passion than they display in all the rest of their “interests” and “activities” combined.
Despite apparent achievement, let me assure you that it is entirely impossible to know that number of people, let alone actually care about that many individuals. I prefer (and would advise you) to take a stand somewhere in between the two extremes. Additionally, as a personal rule, even though I may delete you from my life, I will never delete you from Facebook or Myspace. I mean I have standards, but I’m not the ice queen. So that is my promise.
3. Take it Easy, Tiger
Many people find sites like Facebook and Myspace to be ridiculous or overwhelming and are quick to criticize. Really, these web-based social networks can be incredible tools of communication if used for exactly what they are: social networks. They are not: diaries, or Christmas cards, or wish lists.
One of my good friends complained that such sites seem to only make his life needlessly more confusing. He explained the overwhelming stress in rating his friends, searching for his 8 truly closest relationships, and completing such a tedious task with the devastating knowledge that a few months from now all will change. Once again he will be faced with laborious decisions and painful attempts to accurately, yet tactfully, order his friendships.
As individuals are swapped in and out of life, in and out of the top 8, we must remember that we live in the real world. Though Facebook and Myspace are fun and entertaining, they are merely representations of the present, which is the only place we can really operate. Don’t ever take web-based, modern relationships for granted and don’t take them for more than they are worth, but take them for simply what they are…and enjoy.
Lynn & Sue: Muther Truckers
Mother's Day is this weekend sometimes kids. Have you done you're duty yet? Christopher J. and I have. And we must say, the results are spectacular. See for yourself in the vlogumentary below.
5.08.2008
Crystal's Webolumn of the Week
Oh the land of the internet you are so sweet! With your funny Web sites and videos! The following three are my favorite this week...
1) Life in Facebookland
when i first discovered facebook, i thought it was the greatest thing to ever happen to college students, besides all the "learning" stuff. over the years i've come to realize how outrageous it's become. in the beginning we used it as a way to keep in touch with our close friends at other schools and connect with people we shared a class or two with. now that it's open to everyone and their mamas (literally), i'd say it's gotten a little crazy. idiots of ants, a UK comedy group, created this skit to illustrate how ridiculous the world would be if we interacted in real life the way we do on facebook.
2) Buenos Aires Bon Jovi Clowns
this video will haunt my dreams forever. i really am terrified of clowns. you have to admit, it's an interesting way to advertise a film festival. not too much description needed for this one. just watch.
3) Stuff White People Like
i have to admit, i'm sort of ashamed to love this blog so much. it makes fun of white people and our culture in general. but can it really be so wrong if it's true? no! even if you don't relate to each subject, you know you have at least one white friend in your group who fits the profile.
some of the categories i fall into:
coffee - love. can NOT start my morning without it. people get stabbed that way.
barack obama - did you read my prior post?
david sedaris - White people are very divided on [certain] authors and might actually ask you questions about why you like them. Stick with David Sedaris, you can’t lose! If they do you press you, just say "I read a lot, and I never laugh out loud from a writer, but Sedaris is just brilliant.” sad. but so very true. i don't even really enjoy reading (sorry kelly), but i will read anything by sedaris.
80s night! - i love really awful 80s music! i love everything about the era: the big hair, the bright multicolored makeup, the day-glow attire, how even the creepiest characters can become huge pop stars, everything. if i catch word of an 80s party, i'm there.
the daily show/colbert report - again, read my previous post
arrested development - there are more categories i fall under, but i have to end with this one because it completes me. arrested development is the greatest show to have ever been on tv. that and it's always sunny in philadelphia (not mentioned on list). it is about a dysfunctional family consisting of a criminal father, an alcoholic mother, a man-child named buster who later has his hand bitten off by a loose seal, a deadbeat sister married to an analrapist, a son named george michael (greatest name EVER), a brother MAGICIAN, and jason bateman (the love of my life).
Les Ingénues Issue
Scarlett Johansson’s new album. Lindsay Lohan stealing coats. Star Jones talking smack on my Babbity-Babs. It is SO time for another celeblahblog.
I was tasked by my editor-in-chief K Hel to write an album review. No, no, don’t be shocked, this is related to my current position. An album review of Scarlett Johansson’s premiere album release. And so, I consented. Who doesn’t want to hear what ScarlettJo actually sounds like? (If you don't, I suggest you not click the link).
If you don’t already know, the newly-released album, titled, “Anywhere I Lay My Head” contains cover songs of Tom Waits music. If you don’t know who Tom Waits is, he is typically described as a folk-rock singer, who has won Grammys in the past. If you’d like to know more about Tom Waits, feel free to visit the Wikipedia entry on him here as an FYI.
Back to the album. It also contains one original song, co-written by both Johansson and her music-producer David Andrew Sitek titled, “Song for Jo.” In describing the song, ScarlettJo says, “It was a memory of someone that's very close to me: a vague and blissful memory of my wanton youth or whatever. It's a song about friendship, I think." Talk about vague…does she understand the song? The “or whatever” and “I think” don’t make me think that SJ is really so attached to the music.
Regardless of all that, let’s talk about the songs. I kind of feel like it’s pointless to review the entire album. She didn’t write the lyrics or the music (though this isn’t atypical) and she’s not the first one to release these songs. Therefore, I’ll only discuss the single and the original. So do the songs have merit? Actually, her single “Falling Down” isn’t so bad. And David Bowie sings back-up on it which is pretty damn sweet. The thing is, I don’t really think Scarlett is so much a singer as much as she is a rhythmic speaker, but all that aside, the single is OK. “Song for Jo” is not so good. At all. Nope.
As has also been pointed out to me on this subject, which I agree with ENTIRELY, who the fuck releases a cover album as their debut? Really?!? What sort of merit and credibility have you built up in the music industry that you’ve afforded this sort of vanity project? Answer: None.
Most offensive to my sensibilities, however, is not her near-entire album of cover songs, crappy original song, or pseudo-sexy voice. No, no, none of these make me nearly as annoyed as her music video. Please watch and enjoy below:
As you can see, ScarlettJo leads a VERY tough life. She is chauffeured around foreign cities while blowing bubbles, and then has to endure talented make-up artists, costume designers, manicurists, producers, and the like pampering her and giving her direction. All while she pouts and looks mizzy. Aw, life is SO hard for a movie star! People smiling at me at all day? Earning ridiculous paychecks for one day of work?!? No! I will not accept such a meager offering! Instead, I will make a crappy cover album to show the world how hard it is to be me. Yay! Honestly, I’d take a Lindsay Lohan video any day over this crap. 
Which of course is the perfect transition to my next story. Lindsay Lohan! I’m sure most of you have heard by now, but our dear Ms. Lohan stole some chick’s coat. Oh, it sounds so innocuous but it truly isn’t. As an NYC coat-theft victim, I know the pain of having someone steal your coat. Apparently, Lindsay walked in a bar with a nice black coat, and left wearing a tan mink coat worth about $11,000. Somehow this is an honest mistake. Really? So after the owner of the mink coat saw Lindsay wearing it, she publicized the story, and Ms. Lohan’s people returned the coat to the club with no explanations. Classy. Not to be outdone, the owner is suing for $10,000 calling it a “rental fee.” Why are people so ridiculous? And better yet, why can’t Lindsay stay on the wagon?
Not so much of an ingénue, but still good gossip nonetheless, Star Jones is trés angry about Barbara Walters' new autobiography “Audition”. US Weekly spoke with her today (thanks US!) and Star had the following to say, “It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book…It speaks to her true character.” Nope - not bitter at all, Star! Have fun with the big D!
Other news you may or may not care about:
· Amy Winehouse got arrested in relation to that video of her “allegedly” smoking crack that came out a while ago. She’s out on bail now. Her deah Blahhhke is still incahhcirated. Crackpants.
· Apparently, right before walking down the aisle, Mariah Carey got “Mrs. Cannon” tattooed on her back. Because we all know Hollywood weddings last as long as tattoos do. Permanentlydumbpants.
· Britney Spears is getting more time during visitations with her kids. SoOverBritneyNewsPants.
Postscript: I had my own brush with fame on Monday night. To be honest, the guy is truly a c-list celebrity. Maybe d. But I’ll give him the C-List bump. His name is Chris Marquette, and he played Eli in “The Girl Next Door” which is one of my favorite movies for a slew of reasons which I won’t go into. You may also recognize him as the dorky/annoying kid brother from “Just Friends.” Apparently he’s been in other movies, but I don’t remember him being in them. So whatevs.
The important thing to know is: THIS GUY IS A DOUCHE. If you too find yourself in NYC’s East Village, and for some reason enjoy either of the movies listed above, and for some reason think that someone with bit parts in mildly successful movies would be humble, and therefore you’d like to say “Hey, just saw you hanging out doing nothing on a sidewalk and wanted to say I really liked that movie you were in. Have a pleasant evening.” Don’t do it! Push down the urge! This guy is NOT worth your time.
Maybe I’m being judgmental. Maybe he was having a really rough Cinco de Mayo, hanging out with his boys, and just wanted to be left alone. I mean, why would a short kinda fugly dude want to be approached by 2 cute girls who are sorta fans? No clue. OK. Done. Rant complete.
Because Tetris was too hip anyway
It's been a long time since popular culture has had anything about Tetris on the tip of its tongue. But the youth of America want to put a stop to that.
A trio of teenagers has taken their bottle band viral by sharing their own rendition of the Tetris theme on YouTube, where it's so far gathered more than 75,000 views.
It seems the democratization of information on the Internet has succeeded in perpetuating the cult status of the game more than two decades after the Soviet Union stole it from its original inventor and slapped a new title on it -- "From Russia With Fun!" (For the social good, eh, comrade?)
In a testament to the reason Rock Band is so popular, this group of bored teenagers has proved beyond a reasonable doubt that just barely being a musician can, indeed, make you cool.
No wait. Scratch that. It can't.
5.07.2008
Note: Do not throw lemons at the bad people. Instead make them into cupcakes.
[Introducing the lovely guest columnist, Dana of Dana Dishes!]
My mom has always been full of southern-bred wisdom. “No one will buy the cow if you give away the milk for free,” “Pretty is as pretty does,” “Try not to say ‘fuck’ so much,” etc. But the one that resonates the most with me is definitely “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”
Not literal lemonade, of course. Because there aren’t literal lemons, silly. What kind of life “hands” you lemons? Like, a bushel or sack or whatever it is lemons come in. But in this scenario, lemons, supposedly an unwanted gift (hello, what New Yorker wouldn’t be delighted if someone handed them a sack of fresh, beautiful lemons—for free? Have you SEEN the produce here? And the prices!), are turned into lemonade, a sweeter, more crowd-pleasing solution. Take the lemons, make lemonade.
Well, that sounds great, but I interpret this in a completely different way. If life hands me anything (catty comments, bad train ride, two feet of snow, bitchy encounter), I take it to the kitchen. There, I squeeze, de-seed and sweeten whatever it is that’s bringing me down. I turn bitchiness into breads, frustrations into fondant, and negativity into meringues. That’s right. I changed it up.
In the kitchen I have several rules.
1) If you feel like crying, make a savory, onion-filled dish. That way, you can blame it on the onions. Nobody wants tear-salted cookies.
2) If it’s man trouble, it needs to be chocolate, and/or it needs to be kneaded.
3)You kill more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. This is another Momism that I’ve never quite understood, having never attempted to kill a fly with either honey or vinegar. How does that work, exactly? I guess with the honey, you could get them really sticky, and then they might not be able to fly away, but then you have a huge mess on your countertop. But I suppose it’s bound to be more effective than souring them to death with vinegar? Anyway, I take this to mean, after a fight, if you bake all of your frustrations into a delicious pie that both of you can share later, they will be distracted and fooled into forgiving you, and in the end, you get to eat pie. So there’s no losing in this scenario. They get over it, you get pie.
4) Messes are for suckers. If the fight is with your domestic partner or roommate, make something extra messy and delicious. Once they are filled with gratitude for the lovely baked goods, they might be willing to pitch in and help clean. You can worry over the mixer attachments, washing and re-washing each tiny crevice, while they think you’re helping, and end up doing all of the other, less interesting, chores.
I take my problems to the kitchen, but by the time I’ve set out my brightly colored mixing bowls, tied on a vintage apron, and started sifting things together, I’m already smiling the biggest, dumbest grin. Things don’t always make sense in life, but they always make sense in the kitchen. Whether you follow all the directions or experiment a little, generally you know what to expect. You combine the ingredients for bread, and you do it right, and you get Bread!!! It’s not that its simple, it’s just predictable. And comforting. And either way, you get to eat something in the end. How bad can that be?
5.06.2008
North Carolina Primary: Ode to Obama. Death to Bob.
[Cautionary statement: this is not a post about my political views or an attempt to sway yours. on the contrary! this is a little tale about how much i hate people who try to force their political and/or religious views on people who believe in the right to choose and the "theory" of EVOLUTION. hurray for dinosaurs! - Crystal]
the other night i was enjoying the daily show and soaking in the wonder that is jon stewart, when a quiet fellow, we shall call him "Bob" (not so far fetched), sat down to join in on the laughter. after about 5 seconds of splendid satirical comedy, Bob asks the question on everyone's mind: "so... who are you going to vote for tomorrow [at the democratic primary]?"
i must interject here and state that about 3 days before this conversation took place, Bob initiated a similar conversation. instead of asking me who i was planning on voting for, he informed me that he was currently undecided. he believed that neither candidate was great and it really wasn't a big deal to him.
back to the story...
i knew i was going to regret answering the question before the words even came out of my mouth. "obama," i replied.
"WHAT??" Bob exclaimed. "i can't believe you're voting for obama!"
i remained silent.
"you shouldn't vote for him. he pissed me off so bad during one of his recent speeches. he was talking about tax payers having to help people and banks recover from the housing foreclosures."
i remained silent. continuing to watch my jon stewart.
"he wants us to pay for stupid people buying houses who didn't read the fine print concerning their interest rates. that's stupid."
i can't hear jon stewart. :( <- sadpants. but i continue to stare at the tv and laugh as if i know what's going on. Bob doesn't get the hint. Bob never gets the hint. rewinding the dvr doesn't help either.
"blah blah blah. blah blah blah. wah wah wah." Bob continued his sermon for a few more minutes, until i was finally able to enjoy the last 10 minutes of the daily show in peace.
then.... THE COLBERT REPORT!! if anyone can release me from the overwhelming feeling of wanting to stab a kitten, it's stephen colbert. love. i laughed, i cried, i couldn't get enough. sadly, my ecstasy was short lived.
every 10 minutes or so, Bob would nonchalantly throw in a "you should vote for hillary...."
i tried to continue enjoying stephen, but it was getting more and more difficult.
"vote for hillary..."
wow, Bob... you are a genius! after months upon months (upon months) of political debates, you in this 45 minutes alone, have convinced me to vote for a candidate, whom you decided to vote for only 3 days prior, based on your views and not those i have formed on my own. maybe YOU sir should be a politician! obviously, i would have to vote for you.
in the end, i just continued to stare at the tv or mess with my laptop. anything other than humor his comments.
News FLASH: while i have been typing, Bob has come around and again made a point to remind me that he would not vote for obama, even if it came between him and a republican. whoopie. i'll alert msnbc.
side note: obama won our primary. double win for me. obama no longer has anything to do with this.
Bahbrahpahlooza
Hi Babs!!! Luvs you!
As you ALL know (or maybe not – maybe some of you are new readers. If so, welcome!), Barbara Walters appeared on Oprah this afternoon discussing her new book, “Audition,” a memoir about her life. And boy, is this interview JUICY. I was so damn titillated – yes, titillated – by old Babs; that I had to write this up immediately.
The show starts out with the usual pleasantries. Who is truly the Queen of all media? Oprah? Babs? I think we all know that Oprah beats the socks off of Barbara, but Oprah concedes early on in a move that shocked me. I think it has something to do with respecting our elders.
Anyway, the two start off discussing “The View,” perhaps the best/worst talk show of all time consisting of four to five chicks sitting around discussing kids, menopause, and whether or not the world is flat. <3Sherri Shephard<3 Babs dishes first on the ousting of Star Jones – how she hated that she couldn’t tell anyone about Star’s gastric bypass even though it was so d’uh! How Star was a publicity whore trying to get loads of free crap for her beard-y marriage to Al Reynolds. How Star spilled the beans on the air about being fired by Babbity-babs two days before she was supposed to – oops! True to form, Barbara says that they’ve made peace and can now greet each other civilly. Right.
Then comes Rosie (or Wooosie, if Babs is saying it…sorry, low-blow). Babs claims that Rosie has “emotional issues” which were fully aired on the show; slightly true. Rosie admits that she has depression, I just don’t think she would refer to herself as Babs does. She also calls Rosie a bus driver…it was a weird analogy. THEN the Donald Trump feud. Actually, no new facts. They fought – big deal. But according to Babs, Rosie is a RAGE-A-HOLIC!!! She wouldn’t talk about it extensively (sadpants!) but I envision chairs flying and dressing room fires. Ooooooo that would be awesome. And then, the subject turned to Elizabeth/RosieGate. If you don’t remember:
I love this shit. LOVE it. Babs just touches on, merely grazes, the back and forth, and also discusses her hurt feelings from Rosie’s own mediocre book.
And now, let’s hear it for the boys!!! She talks briefly about her exes, and then Oprah brings up the topic we’ve all been waiting for with baited breath – her affair with former (married and black) Senator Edward Brooke.
In her book, Babs calls Brooke “simply the most attractive, sexiest, funniest, charming, and impossible man. I was excited, fascinated, intrigued and infatuated.” The two met at a restaurant and Babs liked his “rascally” grin. She was also implies that she was SUPER turned on by the fact that it was a secret and that it could ruin both of their careers. The affair lasted for TWO YEARS, and when Babs threatened to leave him, he divorced his wife. Babs says she was infatuated with him, but won’t admit that she was in love. She also feels guilt over what happened to him in his career (he didn’t get re-elected) after news of his divorce came out.
Other fun facts we learned about Baaaaahbrahhh:
· She vacations with Judge Judy! Yes, Judge “don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining” Judy!
· She has been married three times! Damn girl!
· She has a daughter, Jackie, who is adopted, is 6’1”, and a former drug addict
· If you want to make Barbara cry, talk to her about her disabled sister Jackie. You sadist bastard!
The rest of the interview was pretty vanilla. She discussed her family and its drama, which was OK, but I didn’t really think you’d all care about that. Probably because I only paid half-hearted attention to it myself. She’ll be doing another interview with Peter Gibson on 20/20, an hour-long special, tomorrow night. I’m going to watch it, but I’m not sure it’s going to offer anything new or interesting. I’d like to say that this made me want to read the book, but I’d be lying. This Oprah special was exactly what I wanted out of the book – the gory details with none of the boring middle crap. Thanks Oprah!
Quick postscript: How awesome was Gossip Girl last night??? SPOILER ALERT!
First of all, I saw Eric being gay coming from a mile away. Come on, GG, that was a total given. But still, a nice plot twist. Always good to have a gay character for some added drama – like David on 90210! Wait… Then there was Serena’s confession to Blair. SO JUICY! SO OVER THE TOP! BUT really??? Really?!? Hmmm did she and Georgina actually kill some dude post-coital? Or did he just accidentally die? I am just a little bit concerned about how they’re gonna weave this one back into the relative normalcy on the UES. We’ll just have to wait. And watch. Definitely watch.
xoxo L
Old People are Funny! LOLZ!
Backstory: My dad is the most adorable man alive, and he asked me if he could write a blog. And of course I said yes because who doesn't want the explicit wisdom of Ed Helder. He is very wise and can build chairs.
But he also replaces actual words/things for made up words/things, for example "C'est la vie" is "c'est la la," the Food Lion (gross) is "The Lion King" and Goodberry's is "Gooseberry's." There are so many more, but I recieved an amazing one this morning and I felt compelled to share it to satiate everyone until the promised, glittering beacon of hope that is Ed Helder's blog is delivered. Look, look! he even changed his email signature to match mine!
Hi Kelly;
Your Mom and I looked at your Cleo knock off film. It was very cute and entertaining.
If I come up with something that inspires me and matches the theme/line of your blog I'll forward to you. maybe something like "OMG Up to My Knees in Dinosaur POOP ( A Political Satire)" Ha HA HA
Love
Dad
Unemployed, but
Father of the Truly Awesome Kelly
Girl with Large Brain Full of Knowledge
Love Newest Ed-erism: Cleo.
technoblogophile: A good weekend for guys
Chances are good that if you're a 20-something male with a decent amount of expendable income, you had a frickin' sweet weekend.
With most college semesters winding down, both the maladjusted and the social butterfly got several opportunities to piss away time that could have been spent studying for that uber-hard SOC test for that professor who is still totally pissed at you for coming to class drunk after that bitchin' frat party.
Not only did May's first days mark the opener for the movie Iron Man, it was also the first weekend since the Tuesday release of the highly anticipated game Grand Theft Auto IV. It even included Free Comic Book Day, when anybody still unable to loosen their sweaty grasp on their adolescence could walk into comic book shops around the country and get, with no monetary exchange at all, their very own V-card insurance. The outcome was a trifecta so complete that it left a normally divided college male demographic of fanboys and fratboys collectively cleaning their shorts from the resulting nerdgasm.
Media reports initially speculated that the clash of opening schedules of GTA IV and Iron Man would mean gamers would draw the blinds and refuse to come out of their man caves. But as Paramount's vice chairman pointed out, certain reporters are underestimating the power that a flying, rocket-lauching super suit containing a womanizing, billionaire, genius playboy has on the male pysche. Throw in The Dude as a bald super-villain sporting a 300-style beard and you just can't go wrong. That observation is supported by the fact that the film topped $100 million in its opening weekend, putting it in the top 10 list of biggest opening weekends.
But putting aside my Robert Downey Jr. man crush for a second, I think one of the best things about this weekend (and what incidentally drew such a wide swath of the dude demographic) was the fact that it allowed technology-equipped consumers to identify with the best and worst kind of human being.
On one hand, we have a video game where players can take control of Niko Bellic, an Eastern European gangster with an accent who doesn't have much of a problem jacking your ride, vandalizing your business for protection money or just good ole fashioned shooting you in the face.
Grand Theft Auto IV is one of the most technologically sophisticated games I've ever gotten my hands on. It's not that it has the best graphics or sets the standard when it comes to open-world style games (its predecessors have done this already). I don't even think the interactive prostitute and strip club scenes are even the main draw, although I think Eliot Spitzer sprung for the game's five-diamond edition.
Don't get me wrong, GTA IV is very good at these things. What sets the game apart is that it uses a lot of different technology, all done well, to draw players into an intriguing world of violence and thuggery that's had anti-video game fanatics in an uproar. Long live the American anti-hero.
On the other hand, we have Tony Stark, a globe-trotting mechanical whiz-kid (man?) who decides to give up the production of super advanced military weapons to use his personally developed exoskeleton for the good of mankind. Of course, he still gets to use bad-ass super advanced military weapons to get the bad guys. And fly. And impress the ladies.
And in the ultimate spirit of guyness, he manages to construct an early version of the suit in a cave using apparently nothing but missiles, sand and, apparently, 98 percent of every man's testosterone (error margin: +/- 2%).
On a side note, although the tech geeks in the audience had to suspend their disbelief quite a bit, maybe the coolest thing about Iron Man is that the concept isn't too far off. The Pentagon's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency has already funded a fairly successful prototype that's almost ready to kick ass and take names.
The two major releases slopped so deliciously in guys' collective media trough this weekend represent the extremes of an indulgent technological escapism that began with Nerf guns and "Cops and Robbers."
So if you're not in this target demographic and are a little miffed at how little you might have seen the tech-obsessed 20-something male in your life, don't think about how many hours he might have spent staring at a screen in the dark. Instead think of how this weekend's subtle combination of Stan Lee, big guns and hookers show us how much we've grown.
5.05.2008
Cinco De Mayo: Tequila Monday is Inspirational
[Ed note: Non sequitur warning.]
I love tequila so much that I often name days of the week after it. No day is safe. This is the first tequila Monday in honor of Cinco De Mayo, so we’ll see how it goes. I think it will be a beautiful thing.
So my automatic association with tequila is my glorious ex David of shamrock streaker fame because, really, tequila is the only thing we ever had in common. And I noticed while on gchat earlier that he was on, so OMGZ, I pinged him. This is the sort of thinking that generally gets me in trouble and causes people to think I’m in love with them (or a stalker). But I do it anyways because I care about others and my heart is very large.
Some background on our relationship: it was horrible. And I don’t think he would disagree with me about that. Our main problem is that neither of us have feelings, but he liked to project cliché female feelings onto me about hating his friends and weird things like that. (For the sake of never letting old arguments die: dear david’s friends, I like you times infinity.,. beat that Woolard!)
The only time we ever spoke about anything of consequence was after I arrived to pick him up on the way to my parents’ house, but he was so drunk that one dude was propping him up while the other was trying to feed him water out of a Brita pitcher. But they were all so intoxicated that really just a bunch of water was getting splashed around and David was drooling as though he had just suffered a lobotomy. Which I would say, probably wouldn’t have changed the situation much. I felt a “grownup people talk” after that was necessary because he was 23 and had somehow graduated college as a valedictorian (your guess on this one is as good as mine), but I still didn’t break up with him because I have faith in people.
And let’s face it. We’re all clingers. We all hang on a little bit longer than we should because not being with the guy who runs around campus in a man thong is a little bit scary. Regardless if you only hang out infrequently and most of the time you’re both wasted. Thus, David and I have sort of remained friends for the past year, albeit our relationship has mostly consisted of whenever I gchatted him or he got so wasted that he decided calling me was a good idea. But we’ve entertained the idea of trying to hang out, I mean we did occasionally have fun together.
Correction: I entertained the idea because I like people. This is the full circle to the introduction. In our tequila Monday conversation today I had an epiphany that 1) not only would he never make the effort to see me now if he hadn’t made an effort to see me while we were actually dating, and 2) why the fuck would I want to make the effort to see him? It’s not like sex was ever part of the deal, that might turn the table a bit. And I can drink tequila with anyone. Like for example, tonight with Dana, Emily and Diana.
So then, I deleted all of my exes off my gchat buddy list. And I feel liberated. Because I don’t understand why we all feel so obligated to keep in touch with people we’ve, you know, touched. Probably inappropriately.
Thus, for Cinco de Mayo Tequila Monday I feel as though as though we should all liberate ourselves from self imposed mildly retarded relationships.
Can I get a Hallelujah!!!!!!!
Celeblah de Mayo!
OK, my first, and perhaps biggest, issue with this list has to do with Rumer Willis, the 19 year-old daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. While we all know that Demi Moore is gorgeous (eh-em not ranked) her daughter is not quite a carbon copy. Evidence below:
Others I take issue with:
· Apparently, People asked the ladies of “The Hills” to take photos of themselves upon arising. Audrina took a photo of herself with a blanket and a cup of coffee, looking pensively out of a window. LC’s photo shows her sitting at her mirror applying makeup. Whitney looks fresh-faced, and is caught in the middle of brushing her teeth. AND THEN there’s Heidi… She wears only a bra, a ton of makeup, tousles her hair, and makes love to the camera with her eyes. Oh Heidi, you make me so sad. And SO nauseous…
· Do people (not People, I know that answer) actually think that Josh Groban is good looking? NOTE: If you don’t know what the people I’m referring to look like, and I haven’t included a pic, please please PLEASE feel free to take it upon yourself to Google Image search them. It is a very handy tool. Back to my train of thought: Is Josh Groban – that really lame singer – considered attractive? Maybe I’m wrong, but I always thought he looked like a major toolbox. Listen, I get the whole Michael Buble thing. I know, he sings lame-o music too, but at least he’s got some appeal. But Groban looks like the kind of guy who went to renaissance fairs growing up. I’m sorry, not my type.
· Amanda Beard is very talented. The 26 year-old swimmer won a gold-medal at the last summer Olympics, a feat to be sure. However, as already mentioned, talent and personality should not be a factor. She is attractive, but is she one of the most beautiful people in the world? In the U.S. even? I don’t think so. I have friends that are far more attractive than Amanda Beard. I guess I’d like to be her for a day, so I’d know what it feels like to win a gold medal. But on a purely physical level, I don’t think I’d have much success at a bar looking like Amanda Beard. Unless I was slutty.· People’s list also contained a section titled, “Beauty at Every Age” featuring photos of beautiful women at each age, from 20 all the way to 59. If I were a major bitch, a la Perez Hilton, I could pick apart several of the women chosen for this section. However, I’ll bite my tongue, and respectfully disagree with just one: Maria Shriver. When I see Maria Shriver, whether it be in photos or on video, I am immediately terrified. I can’t really explain this visceral reaction; I think the best way to equate it is to the fear that Javier Bardem’s haircut generates in “No Country for Old Men.” :::Shudder:::
· People missing: Drew Barrymore (last year’s MOST beautiful), Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, Gwyneth Paltrow, Katherine Heigl, Orlando Bloom, Gerard Butler, Matt Damon and, most shockingly, Christian Bale!!! I’m sorry, but I love Christian Bale. More than any other man in the world. …sigh… PICTURE!!!
Newsies!!!
OK, I’m done. And now…
Tom Cruise, resident nut-job extraordinaire, appeared on Oprah last Friday for a candid interview discussing his ludicrous behavior in the past three years. As a “media person” myself, I knew immediately while watching the show that an extensive amount of media training went into this interview. I can only assume that Winfrey, a long time friend of Cruise who is celebrating his “25 years since Risky Business”, sent Cruise and his team the questions ahead of time. Of course this would be mutually beneficial as landing this huge interview with Cruise since his several meltdowns is a coup for Winfrey, and Cruise needs a platform to clear the crazy from his name. To be perfectly honest, he DID do well. Yes, other gossipers have been quick to pick apart the pieces, but really there’s not much to criticize. He didn’t defend his past behavior, such as couch jumping, as there’s really no adequate defense to give except to say that he was just “so in love and excited!” Regarding his feelings on medication, he’s revised his previous statements, (YOU’RE GLIB, MATT! YOU’RE GLIB!) to ones of tolerance on others’ choices, though he would not choose medication for himself. Which is truly the most unfortunate statement of all during the entire interview. It’s pretty clear to me that Tom Cruise, with his seemingly manic episodes, would benefit quite a bit from medication himself.
Do you watch “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” on E!? I hate to admit it, but I do. Kim Kardashian, famous for her gadunkadunk butt and sex tape with Ray-Jay, got in a fight with her sisters on last Sunday’s episode. Apparently, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney (yes, their names ALL start with Ks) went to pick up Kim’s new Bentley. But it wasn’t ready, so they had to wait and wait and wait. The ever impatient Khloe and Kourtney got annoyed and said something to the mechanic. At which point a fight occurred and Kim got involved, siding with the mechanic over her sisters (OMG – I just realized how sad it is that I remember all of these details from last week. And that I actually care.) Anyway, the fight caused a rift between the sisters, with Kim assuming that the only reason her sisters were angry was because they were jealous that she was getting a Bentley, not because the guy was rude to them. But jealous of her “career” and her money and her car. I loathe and detest Kim Kardashian.
On this week’s episode, the Kardashians travel together on a ski vacation to Breckenridge, Colorado. The girls have not made up and the fighting only intensifies. Kim decides to text her boyfriend all night, and ignore her family. This angers her mother, who throws Kim’s phone. Kim flips out, and the whole family starts teasing her. This causes her to flip out even FURTHER and throw her mother’s blackberry down a flight of stairs, breaking it irreparably. Kim remains sulky for the rest of the vacation – crying in her bedroom, wearing trashy bathing suits in a Jacuzzi, bitching to her boyfriend – you know, the usual. She then packs her bags, storms out of house, and carts her crap to the bus station. In the meantime, Khloe calls her cell and leaves an apology, so Kim comes back. Yay! Hearts <3>
His name is Gemase (Ja-may-es) Simmons, and he advertises himself as one of the top male supermodels in the world. The male “Tyra Banks.” I thought that was Tyson Beckford??? Anyway, this dude convinced hopeful models that he was hosting a modeling show. He put the perspective models through boot camp, forcing them to run miles upon miles, crawl through mud, etc. Simmons is also accused of sexually harassing both the male and female contestants.
Not to detract from any pain and suffering the contestants may have endured, but I do take issue with this story. First, how could anyone believe that this purely average looking short man that they’d never heard of was an international supermodel? Really?!? Second, the contestants were forced to pay their own way to the show’s location, and even remained on-site once the cameramen left. THE SHOW WAS CLEARLY BULLSHIT! Finally, and most important, the vast majority of the contestants were not even attractive. Like not good looking at ALL. As my friend Allie pointed out, when did the young people in our culture stop believing in working hard for their success, and think it only natural to take the easy way out via reality TV? Now, I know you readers are smart, but I think it only wise to warn just in case – stay away from men who look like this:
Other news you may or may not care about:
· Barbara Walters has been on a media tour blitz promoting her new autobiography “Audition.” In the book, Walters dishes on former “The View” co-hosts, and admits to having an affair with Senator Edward Brooke in the ‘70s. This comes as a shock to the world, as Senator Brooke is black and was married at the time. Who knew, Babs? She truly is, “a lady in the street, and a freak in the bed.”
· For all you “Hills” fans, LC apparently has a new boyfriend (and he’s not Grody Jenner or Stephen Colletti – sadpants!). It’s Doug Reinhardt, 23, a minor league baseball player who is apparently pretty cool and has been photographed with LC rocking a sweet ‘stache.
· Lindsay Lohan will guest star on “several” episodes of Ugly Betty, the first one being this season’s finale. Seems her agent has taken a page out of Britney Spears’ agent’s book, realizing the best way for a comeback is for a successful guest appearance on a popular TV show. Britney did well. Will Lohan hold up to the scrutiny? Time will tell, though based on the success of “I Know Who Killed Me,” this does not bode well.
· Revision to last Thursday’s story: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are actually married – this news is confirmed by his family and by the priest who presided over the ceremony. Also by Randy Jackson who sent a text to Ryan Seacrest reading something along the lines of, “It’s a done deal, dawg!” Gag me with a spoon.
· SNL Star Cheri Oteri’s father was stabbed to death. I don’t have much to say, other than this is sad…
In the next issue of the Celeblahblog, be prepared for a virtual gynecological exam of Barbara Walters. I will chronicle her tour-de-force, from lovers to friends (how can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?) to ex-co-hosts. So stock up on Dramamine, fools, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
Playa (the knockoff pleo)'s first adventure!
This will be a reoccurring vlogumentary column until I become bored with it. I don't see that happening any time soon for so many reasons.
- k.hel
5.04.2008
Write your stupid blog already, CLOWNS
Here we are kids, from across the United States, New York City to Portland. Meet the people who have formed the kellyhelderboobs conglomerate and will ensnare your life into the blogutopia.
LE Editor in Chief.
Kelly Helder
You know me. I’m the greatest. I’ll be here, taking care of bidness everyday, sometimes more than once a day. I can be insatiable like that. Some tasty snippets to look forward to include: a series of vlogumentaries about Playa, the knock off Pleo; stories about me sketching it up in New York City and a column about how to impress the opposite sex with magic tricks. “I’ll turn a trick for you baby!” will no longer be just a phrase for prostitutes. Magicians are going to take back the night!
Managing Editor
TylermutherfuckingDukes
This is the second project Tyler and I have worked on together, the first being NC State’s Technician, where I was the science & tech editor to his editor in chief. We both have our roots entangled in science writing, but he’s not as smart as me, which is why this time around he’s my subordinate. (And i will send him tasks such as fed ex me coffee, clown!) He also hates everything and probably doesn’t bathe. But he is one hell of a writer, and has also dabbled at the Wall Street Journal. This kid will be taking care of your technology itch every Tuesday in his column, Technoblogophile, in addition to his editorial responsibilities.
Weblolumn Columnist
Crystal A.Bell
She has already flexed her ability to scour the nets for the best of the best of ridiculous Web sites, and she will continue you to do so between watching movie trailers and helping Internet companies to publicly relate. She studied the art of looking hot at NC State (with marketing on the side), and even to this day, one year later, homegirl looks good. So if for nothing else, read her column because she is hot. If she were on the street she'd probably be in the top three. And she really likes KMart.
Celeblahblog Columnist
The L.Tobs
Sass: I gotz it! Lauren’s going to keep you updated on what’s up in the world of shitty celebrity blogging. And then terrorize it. Because frankly, what else are those things for other than a good laugh their expense. No one cares how many times LiLo wears leggings in one week. Apparently, it’s a lot. Lauren studied business and writing at New York University before turning to the dark side of corporate hegemony, where she remains today. She is totes going to sass your pants off. Just like she did on Thursday.
Vloguvision
S. Marcus
If you have any appreciation for television and film, which I do not, this is your girl. She studied film at the University of North Carolina – Wilmington, working on the sets of movies I’ve never heard of because I know nothing about that crap. But I do know she has met Ben Stiller and was recently interviewed for a documentary about Arrested Development. I consider her to be the most famous person through association that I’ve ever met.
Lady Catherine’s artsy etiquette: art. culture. & modern decency.
Cate Bush
Petite, sweet and 3-shots to the wind, this lady is going to show you how to steal some of her Southern charm and apply it to everyday activities. Like how to classily bong a beer and keep your puppy from humping others at the dog park. Need important life skillz? Cate’s got ‘em! And she learned a good portion of them studying the fine arts at the University of North Carolina.
- k.hel