Maxim’s “Hot 100” came out this week. Luckily, this time, I didn’t have to purchase the magazine in order to get the list like I had to for People. Although with People, I didn’t consider it a waste of money. However, with Maxim, a magazine that has no shame in objectifying women, I would feel cheap just buying the rag. Just a warning: I’ve already been judgmental, so I’m going to continue to be.
I guess what I expect to get out of this issue is guidance. Guidance as to what men find “hot” and “sexy.” I’m always interested in understanding other people, and men are clearly a mystery to me as a woman, so I think this will be an interesting peek inside the head of a man. Or a Maxim man, as it may be.
The first girl I take issue with is Emma Watson, of “Harry Potter” fame. The star, who is ranked number 94 on the list, is only 18 years-old. Yes, I know that this is “technically” legal, but she LOOKS about 15. And you totally know they’ve wanted to include her for a while. The writer of the blurb even laments, “One of the Harry Potter stars has appeared nude onstage. Sadly, it wasn’t 18-year-old Emma.”
:::Quick Aside::: I’m scrolling though the pictures online. I just came across Lacey Chabert’s photo (90) and my favorite lil’ sis on “Party of Five” looked like a high class hooker. I flipped past, thinking I wouldn’t make comment and came across the picture below of Stacey Keibler. And then I threw up a little in my mouth – was this supposed to be part of the last post I did on fetishes?
I must say yays! to their choice of America Ferrara – the only non-size-2 bionic woman on the list thus far (at 84). She is totally cute and sweet, and I’m glad she got a spot. Except that instead of a full, semi-nude body shot, America’s picture is a bust shot, close up of boobies and up. Classy, Maxim!
Both LC and Audrina of “Hills” fame make it onto the Top 100, LC at 56 looking classy in a tank top and Audrina looking cheesy in a gold lamé bikini at number 74. The top ranked “Hills” girl, however, is…drum roll please…Heidi Montag! Yes, if YOU too want to make it to number 36 on Maxim’s Hot 100 list next year, I recommend you take the following steps:
· Drop out of college · Bleach your hair blonde · Get a nose job · Definitely get breast implants! · Look out for number one – yourself! If that means stabbing yourself best friend in the back, do it. If that means dicking over coworkers, oh well! If that means spreading rumors, do it. · Feign innocence all the time. · Hook up with the biggest sleazebag you can find.
On the Gossip Girl side, Leighton Meester (AKA Blair) came in at number 48. Maxim reveals that Meester used the free time during the writer’s strike to capitalize on her newfound fame by recording her first album (can’t wait to review that shit!). Not far away from Blair comes her sometimes nemesis, more recently BFF, Serena (Blake Lively) at number 43. Hate to admit, but I’m tots gonna go see that Pants part deux movie.
Choices I’m confused about:
· Shannon Elizabeth at 29. OK, I get it, every guy loved her following American Pie. But didn’t that movie come out in 1999 – 9 years ago? What the hell has she done since then? Not that you have to be famous to be “hot” I guess, but ummmm actually, don’t you?
· Avril Lavigne at 24. Is she hot? Really? I don’t get it.
· Fergie at 35. Yup, she’s got a great body. We all know that. And she makes OK music. But I don’t think her face is really that pretty.
· Britney Spears at 19. Now, COME ON! No one wants to have sex with her! Except crazy fans. But really – is SHE what is sexy now? Am I supposed to have 2 babies with a reject and then develop a serious problem and abandon them? Is that SEXY, Maxim?!? You disgust me.
· Ashley Tisdale at number 10. The High School Musical chick beats out all those other girls? Who is she anyway?
· Eva Longoria Parker at 4. I don’t really get it. I mean, yeah, I get why she’s on the list. But number four? Is she THAT hot? I think I need to phone a friend…
So who wasn’t on the list? Gisele Bundchen or (in my opinion at least) the embodiment of sex herself, Angelina Jolie. Also missing is the ever-popular Halle Berry. I thought at first that mothers might not have qualified, but I was incorrect as Christina Aguilera made it to number 8. So what happened? Are they not hot anymore? I don’t get the selection process!
In my attempt to correct this selection process, LeBlogutopia offers up the top three hottest ladies, with a twist. Now THIS is sexy. Hot sex on platter, in fact.
Number 3 – Jessica Biel
Number 2 – Scarlett Johansson
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd….Number 1 – Marissa Miller (Clearly the sexiest of all!)
It seems science, much like Lady Justice and fans of emo music, doesn't discriminate. At least when it comes to setting the record straight on animals.
Science came to the rescue today, helping polar bears avoid a slow and methodical death by drowning and correcting the stereotype about sloths. This incredible combination of cute and ugly proves what computer science majors have long known, that science loves you no matter what you look like -- as long as you're a mammal. Polar bears: In what he begrudgingly noted several times was a decision based on the "best available science," U.S. Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne today announced that he was listing polar bears on the endangered species list as "threatened." That means those cute and cuddly bears with the ability to rip a man in half are in danger of becoming, well endangered, in the future.
Kempthorne, whose name is more befitting an action hero than a politician, predicts that will happen in about 45 years.
That's a result of the shrinking Arctic ice that forms the basis to the polar bear habitat, which Kempthorne discussed at this morning's press conference.
"When we have looked at what is actually happening in the Arctic, we have found considerably less sea ice than the models are projecting. My hope is that the projections from these models are wrong and that the sea ice does not further recede."
But recognizing that, "wittle, fuzzy polar bear cubs" [Ed. note: he didn't say this at all] are too powerful a tool for hippies in their fight against oil companies, Kempthorne issued a few clarifications to keep environmentalists from interpreting the move as a gateway to "backdoor climate policy."
He noted that scientists have not linked any bear deaths to oil and gas development, and that the use of the Endangered Species Act to impact these industries would be a no-no.
I'm sure we'll hear from Stephen Colbert on this one.
Sloths: In a move that will undoubtedly lead to the complete restructure of the Motivationally Challenged Zoology curriculum, German scientists discovered that the three-toed sloth is not as lazy as they once thought.
The researchers tagged and tracked the sleep habits of the South American slaggards and found they sleep only 9.63 hours a day, instead of 16. Apparently, scientists had based the old stereotype on sloths in captivity, which apparently are even more ecologically useless than their algae-ridden wild cousins.
Sloth equality advocates hope this will end decades of humiliation for the horrible little creatures. They're also optimistic that the work will lead to more research that dismisses the ignorant caricatures of so many obscure species -- namely, that Tazmanian devils don't travel via tornadoes and that lemurs abhordance music.
Nice try, Germany, but the good ole U.S. of A. already established a more accurate picture of sloths in a well respected documentary that aired quite a while ago. Go back to your bratwurst and leave the science to the big boys.
If there is one talent or skill to bust out when in dire need to impress the opposite sex it is, of course, magic. But before we delve into the intense art of card tricks and turning a $100 bill into 100 pennies, we must discuss the issue of attire.
A magical presence is just as important as a quick slight of hand. Without the right presence a magician can fall wayside to just another drunken frat guy with intense beer pong or flip cups skills. This will not be you. You are better than them. Because you are not only magical, you are dressed like MAGIC!
A simple review of famous magicians revels that their sexy exterior leads to a sexy…exterior. After the jump.
David Copperfield proved that wearing all black is not only mysterious, but also magical. And may cause things to disappear. (Such as…your virginity.)
"Criss Angel" is the magician hipster bad boy and a prime example that magic can make anything seem cool. Including being 40 and super weird. He opts for tight black jeans, open shirts, high heels, loads of chains and Flock of Eagles hair. With the promise of magic, costume-y can be a good thing.
G.O.B. The ultimate in panty (and man thong) melting, is the Gob. He demonstrates the appropriate use of props, such as knives, whips, capes and glitter. All of these things will only bring more game to your game. Of magic.
Thus, lesson one is:
1) Wear black and own it with awesome accessories, such as skull necklaces and diamonds. Because those are both hardcore. Unless you are wearing sparkles/glitter. 2) Have really great hair. Long, glorious tresses. 3) Use props, including capes, boas, top hats and white gloves. It’s not a stereotype if it is true.
From the depths of my brain and the great abyss of the internet, here are my newest picks for this week...
1) She has a boyfriend i always hear how much guys hate those girls who bring up their boyfriends within the first 2 seconds of a conversation. this guy reenacts that frustration through a series of skits in which he tries to pick up various women being a gentleman but never a "gentle man" and then gets shut down by the ever so subtle "blah blah blah my boyfriend..." obviously this discourages the man. so he reacts the way any sophisticated brit would. he yells, "FUCK YOU!" followed by some sort of aggressive act, i.e. throwing a potted plant through a car window, dropping the tray of drinks he's holding, or punting a few dogs. while these are justifiable reactions to misdirection, do guys really prefer the ignorance of not knowing from the beginning that it's a lost cause?
WHISKEY!!
2) ManBabies ManBabies.com - Dad? GET MORE AT ManBabies.com!
this is one of the the weirdest sites i've ever come across. looks like anyone can contribute! all you need is a picture of yourself and your small child (infants preferable) and basic photoshop skills. i say "basic" because most of these aren't terribly good quality. but if they were photoshop experts (Ed note: like Kelly!), i would probably have nightmares about these freaks.
this online shop is like an endless supply of surprise gifts... to yourself! every day can be your birthday! all you do is send them $10 and you get back a surprise. what could it be? a coffee maker? a sewing machine? electronics? magazines? clothes? knives? broken glass? WHO KNOWS!!! i'm actually considering giving it a shot. the consumer rating is really high so the stuff they send you can't be that shitty. what is there to lose other than $10? any takers?
i've actually gotten back into SNL lately. mostly because it doesn't SUCK anymore. this past weekend's host was shia labeouf. i'm not a terribly big fan. he's alright. but he did a really great job on snl. this skit was by far the best i've seen in a long time. it takes place on the set of the old 70s game show "it's a match" with the usual contestants being washed up actors/actresses (for you feminists) just trying to make jokes instead of playing any type of real game. shia impersonates a 70s magician named doug henning. he makes the entire skit! i love it. everything from his pink and purple little girl's long sleeve shirt with the unicorn plastered on the front to his cat stevens looking shoulder length perm. did i mention he does MAGIC?!
i just wanted to add this video because it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. i'm sure you've all seen it. it's a commercial for the discovery channel and it has a lot of beautiful images of all the characteristics that make up our world. almost makes you forget about how much we really hate earth, i.e. global warming. TAKE THAT BITCH!! p.s. - anyone notice stephen hawking in there? i know he's contributed to the fields of gravity and cosmology, but wtf?
I have a confession to make: I am completely fascinated by sexual fetishes. Actually, I’m fascinated by all things completely out of the ordinary, such as rare diseases, serial killers, and other things of this ilk. I think this stems from being so strange as a child. By the time I got older, I learned to embrace my oddities, but growing up it wasn’t necessarily considered normal to just start singing and dancing to 80’s songs in the middle of the street. So I think being odd made me want to find other strange people – people stranger than me – so I felt more normal. I don’t know. Enough of this psychobabble bullshit.
Luckily, I’ve found a way to feed my intense hunger for freaks – television, naturally! The best two shows I’ve found that delve into sexual fetishes are WE’s “The Secret Lives of Women” and the television-station-formerly-known-as-UPN’s “The Tyra Banks Show.” Below are the latest fetishes I’ve learned of that I thought you might want to read about. So strap on your adult-diaper and get ready. Pictures follow the descriptions. Adult Babies- I’ve seen adult babies on both WE and Tyra, and both times the segments featured women who wanted to “return to their childhood” and felt that they had to grow up too fast the first time around. So now they’ve decided to don diapers (which are sold on specialty websites), wear their hair in pigtails, dress in onesies, drink from bottles, sleep in custom-made cribs, and…well, the list goes on and on. Often times, the babies are able to find partners, whom they refer to as “mommy” or “daddy.” On WE, the chick’s “daddy” would change her diaper (number one only – he set a limit), would make and feed her dinner, and then read her children’s books before bedtime. Then they had sex. I mean, ok so the premise of this fetish is sweet and all I guess, but what happens when the couple actually has a baby? Is there only one parent? Or will the adult baby be forced to grow up and become a mother? This makes my head hurt.
Body Building/Female Wrestling- On WE’s sexual fetish show, as well as on WE’s “Secret Life of a Body Builder” show, even on Tyra, viewers were given an inside look into the kinky side of strong women. When not competing for body building titles, doing reps at the gym, or mixing protein shakes, some of these women are finding ways to make quick money off their “sexy bodies.” Some take provocative pictures and post them on the internet (not too shocking), while others set up wrestling sessions with male fans. The women will charge between $400 and $500 per hour, for all sorts of things including posing, “muscle worship,” wrestling, and more (though they won’t admit to any specific sexual acts as this would qualify as prostitution).
Fire Fetish- One of the girls on WE was a dancer who performs in a Fire Fetish Show. She wears risqué clothing and dances with fire, lighting parts of her body on fire with fluid on and off. Obviously, she extinguishes it right away, but issues have occurred in the past. She has burns on several parts of her body because of not extinguishing quickly enough during performances, but as she said, “When you’re playing with fire, you’re gonna get burned.” Some people who really get into the fire fetish are turned on by hanging out with firemen (though you can’t fault them – firemen are HOT) and fantasize about having sex in a bed while it’s on fire.
Furries- Yes, I realize most of you have heard of this one. But I figured I’d add it on just in case someone hasn’t seen either the MTV “Sex2k” or “Entourage” episodes about Furries, or read an article about the community. So, basically, Furries are people who get turned on by dressing up like animals, such as the Easter Bunny, and who hold conventions all across the country where they get together and discuss their mutual interests (like hot cartoon characters – think: Jessica Rabbit) and occasionally have sex with each other. A lot of times, the costumes will have a little patch on the crotch that opens for easy access so when they’re ready to go, they can just fuck like rabbits. Sorry. Couldn’t resist. Though I must say, while I’ve mentioned rabbits a lot, there are a TON of other animals that are popular in the community. Commonly grouped in this community are Plushies, who have an attraction to stuffed animals; so similar, but different.
Horse Play- A type of BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) horse play involves a couple or more people (man/woman, woman/woman, man/man, whatevs/whatevs) coming together to act out a horse and rider scenario. Let’s say, for instance (as depicted below), the man wants to be the horse. He will be outfitted with a saddle and a bit, and will carry his partner around on either his shoulders or his back. His partner will sit in the saddle with a whip and reins and ride the “horse,” giving out punishment as she sees fit. Those into this fetish will go on retreats where they can spend time being horses and riders all day long – I saw one of these retreats a few years ago on another episode of MTV’s “Sex 2K.” If you saw it too, you’ll recognize the following image:
Silicone Sex Dolls- This one may be my favorite. Well, not my favorite fetish, but my favorite one to watch. From BBC America’s “Love Me, Love My Doll.” People tend to compare it to “Lars and the Real Girl,” but I haven’t seen that movie, and, to be fair, this documentary came out first. Anyway, it profiles men who own silicone sex dolls (they “feel real” because they’re silicone) which retail for about $8,000 each. Some of the guys own more than one doll (one dude even owns eight) and the men constantly discuss how they feel like they have an actual relationship with their dolls. The British man profiled on the show takes his doll out and about around town, even to the beach, though she has to travel in a wheel chair because clearly she can’t walk. Another man, from Texas, is profiled during the early stages of a real relationship. He’s the one who owns eight dolls. Though scared to divulge his secret to his new girlfriend, he figures she’ll be open-minded because she has a nose ring. Sex doll, nose ring…yup, about the same… Anyway, he invites her over to dinner for his birthday and she gets to meet two of his dolls. Her immediate reaction? “I need a beer.” You can guess what happens after that. I think, though, that the real travesty in this whole situation is how poorly these “boyfriends” apply make-up to their dolls. Each and every doll looks like a hooker, or a lady of the night if you prefer. They all wear blue sparkly eye shadow and liquid liner, and either peach or hot pink lipstick. I swear: I could go into business teaching Real Doll owners how to apply makeup properly. Anyway, back to the summary. I think the best way to wrap this up is with a comment from one of the owners. DaveCat (below) says of his doll, “I’m always there for her and she’s always there for me.” No comment necessary.
Sploshing- When this was first mentioned on WE I was confused. I was like, “So? People explore caves. What’s the big deal?” But that’s spelunking. Wrong activity my friends. Sploshing is defined as “A wet and messy fetish…whereby a person becomes aroused when substances are deliberately and generously applied to the naked skin, or to the clothes people are wearing.” On the show, the woman had pies thrown in her face while nude, had pudding dumped over her head, food thrown at her; you know, a little bit of everything. By the end, the woman was not even recognizable; all you could see was food and the whites of her eyes. I don’t really get this at all. I mean, I know people use food in bed, but this isn’t like “hey baby, let’s break out the whipped cream!” It’s like, “hey baby, let me buy a gallon of whipped cream and dump it on your head and then use you like a human slip and slide!” Nope. I don’t get it. Maybe I lack imagination?
Squashing- This fetish comes to us direct from Ms. Tyra herself. This is when a reasonably fit man enjoys being sat on/laid on/stood on/jumped on by an obese woman – and by obese, I mean 400+ pounds. The couple who exposed this to the world featured a tiny, nerdy man and his 500+ pound wife. And boy do they LOVE squashing. She jumps on top of him and rolls all over him (kinda like a steam roller) in bed. Then there’s a woman, who was 600+ pounds and charges to perform this service on clients, which pay $300 an hour, and more if they’d like to be stood on. I wonder about the liabilities! What the hell happens if you stand on some guy and crack his ribs in half? And he sues? Aren’t you fucked? Oh well. Watch the clip to fully understand squashing.
Tickling- Tyra had some guests on her recent fetish show who divulged their LOVE for tickling as a form of foreplay. Apparently there is an entire community online for people who have tickling as a fetish. Wikipedia claims that the BDSM community doesn’t officially recognize them, even though the prolonged tickling could be considered “torture” and there is the do-er do-ee aspect of the activity.
Trampling- There’s a whole group of people out there who get turned on by being stepped on. By entire groups of women. With or without sneakers, but for Tyra’s guest, Pete, shoes are preferable. It’s also OK if you stand on his face or on his junk. Pete says, “I want a girl to walk all over me.” As someone with a severe aversion to feet, I really don’t get this one. Even Tyra was grossed out and asked the dude if he’s ever had “athlete’s face”. OOOOh Tyra, you’re so funnnnnnny hahahahaha. Hate you.
So what’s my conclusion after all of this exploration? Well first off, there are a lot of kinky people out there. But second, these kinky people find partners. Which gives me hope – if these people can find someone then there’s gotta be someone right for all of us!
Then again, what happens if you marry the perfect man/woman and then one day he/she turns to you and says, “Oh sweetie – will you change my diaper?”
If Alexander the Great or Genghis Khan lived in modern times and had 1 million servers at their command, I'd imagine they'd take the approximate shape of Google Inc.
The benevolent behemoth of search engines unveiled their latest foray into world domination Monday in the form of Friend Connect, a new service for Web site operators that allows their users to connect and interact without leaving their sites.
So what makes Google think it can compete in an already crowded and heavily fortified social networking market? Well, in short, the company's previous success should do the trick. Like that time they thought they could break into the crowded search engine market, a conflict in which casualties are still being counted. Remember that?
Despite the fact that jumping headfirst into the social networking game is a bit like trying to get involved in a land war in Asia, Google is approaching the problem in a truly novel way. Yes, much like going for the continent of Asia in a game of Risk, Google's latest venture is hard to defend in the saturated market, yet it comes with ample benefits -- like you, for instance. [Ed. note: multiple Asia references entirely coincidental]
That's because Friend Connect lays siege to the traditional premise of sites like Facebook and its creepy uncle, MySpace, which both gather your "In Real Life" friends in one "walled garden." Instead, the service allows Webmasters to add Google-generated code to their own Web sites in the form of social gadgets. These social gadgets can take the form of reviews, message boards, photo sharing tools or member galleries.
Essentially, Friend Connect would allow its users to connect with each other wherever they are, eliminating that certain element of elitism that characterizes most social networking sites (and looks to be growing more popular in others). In the meantime, Google can expand an already growing user base that logs in to services like Gmail, Google Reader and Google Documents -- and one day put that base to use as foot soldiers who will wipe out the last vestiges of rebellion in the new Google Empire™.
Aside from the eventual takeover however, Friend Connect could mean interesting things for the Intarwebs.
For one thing, the product opens up a whole new world to relatively inexperienced Web designers, democratizing the process and helping people more effectively share ideas. I guess that's a great danger if Web-inclined religious zealots begin cleaning up their Angelfire-esque Web pages that reek of 1997, but I'm confident common sense can replace seizures as an effective deterrent to some of these locations. Chances are that the religiously inclined will be more attracted to sites that effectively put the technology to use in a good way, instead of say, damning you to hell interactively.
But spreading the wealth in this way isn't just for Webmasters. As services like FriendConnect expand, viral communication will as well, meaning the things people like will get more playing time, while the stuff that sucks falls through the cracks and forces creators back to the drawing board.
Friend Connect also has the potential to provide the Internet with something it has been in need of for years -- a degree of accountability. Associating login names that users take with them from site to site with comments on message boards and other similar user feedback systems may mean an end to things like Godwin's Law and other aspects of the Web that accelerate my declining faith in humanity. I can envision a world where I won't have to filter YouTube comments to prevent a sudden and fatal brain aneurysm.
It just goes to show that a world dominated by Google might not be so bad, what with all the peace, harmony, convenience and human connections. Heck, if they finish the job before roboticists give an advanced version of Pleo a taste for human flesh, the company might even be considered our savior.
She’s baaaaaaaaaaack. Yes, little miss Lindsay Lohan (LiLo if you’re nasty) is back in the news yet again. Not only did she steal some chick’s mink (she denies…though I think she’s just in denial over a larger problem) but now she’s been dropped from two films. Awwww! I was SO looking forward to having her grace movie screens again. ::::dripping with sarcasm:::: But I WAS keeping my fingers crossed for another “Georgia Rule”-esque Producer’s letter. That would’ve given me some fodder.
Anyway, our girl had been yapping away about being in some upcoming movie about the Manson Family – which probably would’ve suited her; a pretty psychopath isn’t such a far stretch – but she’s been replaced. She was also supposed to be in a romantic comedy with Jack Black but got nixed from that one as well. I wonder if this means she’ll be taking another vacay to Cirque Lodge? Or maybe she’ll try her hand with Promises next time? Then again, she always has “Ugly Betty” to look forward to!
Additionally, little Lohan also got in a tiff with her girl-friend/girlfriend Samantha Ronson. After the fight, Lohan was balling her eyes out on a banquette, but luckily our friend LC was there to lend a shoulder. If I were LC I’d watch out. LiLo will fuck your man in a sec.
Ooooh Maniston! Here they are, back in Miami, canoodling in the pool at the Mandarin Oriental. And they called it puppy love…
I may be one of the only people that actually watched MTV’s “Rock the Cradle.” I can’t be sure because a) I haven’t bothered to check any ratings, and b) I don’t love it so much that I talk about it and receive confirmation that I’m the only one watching it. Anyway, this past Thursday was the season finale of the show. Let me tell you the premise in case you’re totally in the dark: Rock Stars (-ish) have children. These children are now young adults. They are talented (-ish). They want their own careers so they perform on the show and compete for a record contract and money or something. I don’t know…I never paid attention to the prizes. Bottom line: It’s like American Idol with celebrities’ kids – so better.
By far my favorite kid was Lucy Walsh (daughter of the Eagles’ Joe Walsh). Here’s Lucy:
Yeah, Crosby Loggins was pretty good, but he was kinda nasal-y and I felt like I wanted to crack his nose back into place several times. Jesse Blaze Snider was good too, but he was a dog and pony show – all distractions, no music – not my style. Then there was Chloe Lattanzi (Olivia Newton John’s daughter) – my favorite in a different way. I never would have voted for her, or anyone else for that matter, but I DID enjoy watching her on the show – she was sort of a trainwreck that you couldn’t help but love. With her huge lips and big eyes, and hump-the-stage dance moves she kinda stole the show. Here’s Chloe:
But back to my issues. So last week Lucy Walsh was voted off. And I was really upset. Because after Lucy Walsh sang the first week, I actually had her song in my head (still do, kinda) and I wanted to hear her again and again. Which makes me think she’s really good! Click here if you’re interested in hearing one of her performances…the song starts at about two and a half minutes in. So what I’m thinking happened, as an amateur conspiracy theorist, is that the reason Lucy got booted before the season finale is because of her father Joe, who had been notoriously fickle all season long (and didn’t show up for most of the performances). All of the kids’ parents did a duet with them to their most popular song. I have a feeling that Joe said he wouldn’t be able to make it/didn’t want to do it/etc and thus Lucy got booted before the finale. Of course, I have no proof, but if makes sense. Because Chloe, who everyone thought would disappear the first week, made it to the final three, over Lucy. Hmmmm… Oh, and btw, Crosby won. In case you care.
Other news you may or may not care about:
· Jimmy Fallon is taking over the Late Night show for Conan O’Brien. No worries though, as Conan is taking over the Tonight Show for Jay Leno. As for Leno? NewLarryKing!Pants
· Jenna Bush got married this weekend. I don’t really care about this story. Congrats?pants.
· Nick Bollea, Hulk Hogan’s kid, got sentenced to 8 months in prison for “felony reckless driving” yesterday. When he gets out, he’ll have to contend with 500 hours of community service, three years of a revoked license, and five years probation (during which he can’t drink). SoberMizzyPants
· PerezHilton.com has naked pics of Kristin Davis (allegedly – some speculate that they’re fake). If you’re interested. I was surprised. NoPants.
· NKOTB isn’t the only 90’s sensation making a comeback – 90210 is slated to air again in a new incarnation (a la Degrassi: The Next Generation? Fingers Crossed!) on the CW. So far, both Jennie Garth and Donna Martin herself, Tori Spelling, have signed on. Come on Dylan, Brandon, David, and Andrea. We all know you’ve got nothing else going on. Especially you Gabrielle Carteris. JimAndCindyWalshRockMyPants.
· Hugh Hefner told “Extra” that he’d love to have Miley Cyrus pose for Playboy once she’s legal, calling her a “very pretty lady.” CallChrisHansonPants.
· Al Reynolds is (or was) on Facebook. Apparently, he’s a professor at Florida Memorial University – who knew? I thought his full time job was carrying Star’s crap around and fanning her with large leaves and feeding her grapes. RaceToFindHimPants.
· Audrina Patridge (of “The Hills” fame) will be starring in a film! Woohoo! She recently got a new agent who will focus SOLELY on her career, instead of sharing one with LC, and now she’s landed this new film! Oh…wait…it’s “Into the Blue 2.” DirectToDVDPants.
· Alanis Morissette told People Magazine that she’s recently hit “rock-bottom” because of “a personal unraveling of significant relationships in my life.” Yup, you guessed it – the end of her engagement to Ryan Reynolds, though she wouldn’t comment on his new engagement to Scarlett. (Oh- just had a thought! Alanis – there’s another Reynolds on the market – hint, hint – he likes strong, independent “women.”) Anywho, she’s taken all of that pain, and frustration, and heartache, and negative energy and….made another album! DUH! BITTERLittlePillPants.
Apparently, there is a rampant toilet-soiler running around Oprah Magazine, pissing on all the female seats and laughing about it in the broom closet. And since a friend of mine, who is the most adorable man alive, works at Oprah Magazine I absolutely needed to post this. He wouldn't piss on the seats though, girls or boys seats. At least I hope not. Maybe it is him...
This is the last Sue Johanson ever. Are you ready? I’m you know, crazy with anticipation. I also feel the need to insert my own commentary. Haha. Did you feel that? How about now?
Kayla, her first caller, is gay and is 19 and wants to try a strap on. Will she still be considered a virgin? - Sue: The definition of a virgin is a female or male that has never had penis in vagina sex, and you would have had a sex toy, but what is the difference between that and a tampon? So you will still be a virgin. - Me: Seriously, they just jumped right in. Lesbian strap on virgin questions? Tonight is going to be jampackedfull of goodness.
Click below to read the rest. It gets way better, I swear...
Carolyn has been with her “very overweight” bf for a year, but he hadn’t been with anyway for about 2 years and had hernia surgery and it burns when he cums inside her, but not when she gives him head. - Sue has no idea, but knows it is not the hernia surgery. Get a book called Big, Big, big Love. - Me: He is fat and lazy and just wants head. He is lying to you about the burning. Or he has the clap.
Cherisse from Atlanta orgasms through g-spot stimulation and she wants a g-sport stimulator. Also, what about when I get the bed all wet? - Sue: Stay tuned! And cut up a trash bag, cover it with a towel and put it beside the bed so it is handy dandy when you are ready. - Me: Female ejaculator warning! That’s sort of gross. So much on this show is sort of gross. But I love it.
Robert from Greensboro! North Carolina! Has noticed that the top 2/3 of the vagina have no nerve endings, so how long is that part? - Sue: About 5 inches, so the bottom 1/3 of that. I don’t think a women would appreciate you sticking a ruler up her vagina. - Me: Translation: I have a tiny penis. Poor guy, probs has a third nipple, too. Sadpants.
Crystal is a BIG masturbator with a 7 ½ vibrator and I put it at full speed and I press it hard and sometimes it hurts afterwards. Is it possible to break your clitoris? - Sue: No, b/c it is spongy tissue and so it can’t break. Be more gentle, go to a sex store and find one that works for you. - Me: You are dumb. And our sex education programs are failing our nation.
Jenny’s husband takes a very long time to finish during sex. - He needs to start before you, he needs to take a long shower and have a little fantasy going and then you start stimulating him. And that’s just a big bonus. It is called delayed or retarded ejaculation. You need to be able to say your genitals are getting sore, so you need to finish on your own. - Me: Sounds like a fag.
Kevin’s girlfriend and him have been having sex for over two years almost every day, is it going to be like this in to more years? And she gets pouty when he doesn’t get it up every time she wants it. - Sue: WTF you asking me for? Usually, sex is very exciting for the first six months to a year, and then it slacks off. And she needs to learn how to pleasure herself. - This is a boring question. Yawn. I can’t believe they are still talking about it. What happened to the lesbian strap-ons?
Kristy and her husband had sex for three hours and he swelled up like a balloon and its still heavy and swollen. His penis, not his balls. - Sue: Its painful and throbbing and discolored red. He probably broken a blood vessel and that’s why it is swollen and heavy. The best thing he can do is take a day off of work and ice it. - Me: Blue balls. Fo shoooo. This one was informative. Good job Sue. Haha Sue called her Misty. She is 77.
Ray’s “friend’s husband” is a premature ejaculatory. And now she has swollen ovaries from lack of orgasm. - Sue: That isn’t possible. Your wife is a liar. And she needs to learn how to masturbate. - Me: What? Is? Going? On?
Angela from Jersey City is dripping hot wax on her vagina for pleasure. She is from Jersey. And she wants to know if this is going to cause permanent damage. She does this four times a week. - Sue: Why do you do this? Does it rip your pubic hair out? If it gives you blisters you need to stop, but other than it should be ok. - Me: Sue is mesmerized. Hot wax on the vag.
Michael is addicted to a sex toy. Well his wife is and now she won’t do him, she just does the toy. - Sue: Have you ever talked to her about it? Tell her you are worried. Don’t blame her. Try to figure out what the toy has that you don’t. - Me: I can’t believe it’s been an hour already. Sue, I’m going to miss you so much. We’ll always have tonight. And hot wax.
SUE is crying! And she is wearing black because she is in mourning. Omg. I’m so upset. Sue. You are the greatest. I hope you live forever.
Sex will be sweeter if you wrap your Peter. The end.
The newly single and very beautiful Dana has joined me in my quest to find love via the Internet, which I took a short hiatus from after that horrid incident with Craigslist guy and the not talking in Union Square. I’m still shuddering. It was certainly that terrible.
So today after much discussing, we filmed a response to Dave and Ethan, a strapping duo who are documenting their quest to find love, but have been unsuccessful due to crazies, furniture building, sluts and not speaking. The following is their first video (watch the rest on their Web site):
And so, after a delicious brunch and a short confidence building discussion (no you’re hot, no you are!) we filmed by far the best response they’ve received. I mean, we busted out Meatloaf , Salt-n-Pepa and a penis diagram.
If I were you I would be expecting a song written about us very shortly. A song about how we are not crazy, very good looking and don’t have herpes.
Maxim’s “Hot 100” came out this week. Luckily, this time, I didn’t have to purchase the magazine in order to get the list like I had to for People. Although with People, I didn’t consider it a waste of money. However, with Maxim, a magazine that has no shame in objectifying women, I would feel cheap just buying the rag. Just a warning: I’ve already been judgmental, so I’m going to continue to be.
