Mr. Sunnyside Gossip Guy

[by anonymous]

So this week I read an article on Gawker about an Upper East Side middle schooler who thought it would be fun to emulate her favorite TV show, Gossip Girl, by writing her own catty blog. She made up a catchy little pseudonym, chronicled the minutia of pre-pubescent tweendom, and peppered it with phrases she could have only learned from the WB (eg; "Let's just say these two lovebugs aren't going to stop running when the ball is in the outfield, if you get my jist").Needless to say, drama ensued.

These kids think their lives are so interesting, just because their young and pretty and rich and live interesting lives.Well I got news for them!I have just as much drama in my life! If I just threw in a couple extra SNAP!'s and THAT'S GOTTA HURT's into my writing, I doubt you would even know the difference.As proof, I offer this below:

From the Desk of Mr. SunnySideGossipDude

Good morning all my little Gilamonsters,

It's a beautiful morning here in Sunnyside Queens, and with spring in full bloom, my little birdies have been working overtime to bring me all the juiciest gossip YOU NEED TO KNOW about all of our favorite A-List S-Siders.Hold onto your sombreros amigos, because this fiesta is just about to KICK OFF!

Lisa and Kelly, I hope you two have your flea collars ready, because I heard you're going to be spending some time in the Dog House.Yes, it seems these two ladies decided last Wednesday night that their time would be better spent watching National Treasure II – Book of Secrets, than watching the American Idol season finale with their friends. Girls, girls, girls.Can you spell WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? These two followed the show all season long, and in the 11^th hour decided that they rather stare at Nicholas Cage's fugly mug than see the final results show. Sure, Mr. SSGD can forgive you, in time, but you can pretty much rule out any future relationship with Jeff Archuleta. My only suggestion - if you're thinking about inviting Lisa and Kelly to watch the finale of Top Chef with you, make sure you hide their copy of Raising Arizona.

In other news, there's apparently quite a bit of tension on 44^th St. Better get your knives out! Sources close to roommates Chris and Katy tell me there is quite a bit of disagreement as to whose turn it is to take the bathmat to the Washeteria. Our favorite hot-head Chris allegedly told Katy "I always have to take the bathmat to get washed!" to which Katy countered with the always classic "Yeah? Well I'm the only one who takes out the trash!"Uh oh boys and girls! It definitely doesn't look like this one is going to get resolved any time soon. In the meantime, I would just be careful as to where you step in that bathroom! Can you say GROSS?!

Now it's time to play a little GUESS WHO.GUESS WHO forgot to pay their student loan this month? I'm not telling, but I will say this…that's no way to build credit young man!Looks like someone is planning on renting forever.GUESS WHO was spotted diving face first into a pizza burger deluxe at New York Style Eats this morning. TSK TSK! And with bathing suit season just around the corner. If you're not careful, that pizza burger isn't going to be the only thing covered in cheese. And yes, I'm referring to your thighs.

Well, it seems like I pretty much shot my gossip load for today. But remember next time you're walking down Queens Blvd. Never eat at Foxy's, and 2) be careful what you do and say.You never know when Mr. SSGD will be watching.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mr. SSGD

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Rock the Commute

I left early for work Tuesday morning. It was raining and I figured that traffic would be moving slower than usual. Actually, I assumed it would be moving at it's normal rate seeing as it rains most days here in Oregon, but not at the accelerated summertime pace I've grown used to in recent sunny days.



I was minding my own business, traveling discreetly along the 5 and listening intently to NPR, when suddenly brake lights overtook the horizon.

Traffic was expected, but what proceeded was impossible to predict and completely ridiculous. I often hear complaints about stop and go traffic; however, there was absolutely no "go" in this jam, only countless minutes in park and fleeting moments of a once sane life.

Realizing that I would never make it to my beloved coffee stand on the top floor, the one with all the different flavor shots and the mocha pump that from time to time explodes on innocent victims, I became deeply heartbroken and overwhelmingly sleepy. No time for coffee meant, of course, no time at all. And so, I had to phone my boss for a brief apology and explanation, as did half of my coworkers, all rushing in hours late.

On the road our lives and our time are left in the hands of other drivers, which is quite a frightening thought. Add the frequency of text messaging, cd changing, ipod song searching, coffee drinking, other typical idiotic behavior, and I am bewildered as to how we survive at all.

In my car I sat, amazed by my continued existence under the trying circumstances of a daily commute, resigned to my helplessness as I gazed over the angry fleet of automobiles idly mounted between me and my destination. There, behind a red Honda Civic for far too long, I realized that the only solution to traffic is to simply embrace the sanctuary of your vehicle and indulge in the ownership of a small containment of space.

So take the time you are trapped, transform frustration to amusement, and rock out so that all can hear. The excruciatingly depressing and blank gazes of the usual commuter will melt to joy (or at least awaken) as we join the movement to Rock the Commute. I am serious and fully expect real changes, globally, if we all commit to the mission. Let's bring a little light to the drive, and to our fellow drivers, via music.

As Memorial Day approaches (and you undoubtedly face traffic at some point in these busy travel days), here's a sanity savior for roadsters around the country wherever you may be driving. The following is a starter list to promote our cause; a playlist of hits to make your traffic time not only bearable, but incredible. You'll be hoping they close two lanes of the highway every morning.

1. Paper Planes (M.I.A.)

2. Just Like Heaven (The Cure)
3. Seventeen Years (Ratatat)
4. What A Wonderful Man (My Morning Jacket)
5. I'm So Free (Lou Reed)
6. Lover (Devendra Banhart)
7. The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth (Clap Your Hands Say Yeah)
8. Free Fallin' (Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers)

9. Sound of Silver (LCD Soundsystem)
10. I'm a Cuckoo (Belle & Sebastian)
11. Them Eyes (The Black Keys)
12. D.A.N.C.E. (Justice)

I fully encourage expressive and ridiculous dance when listening to the above list. Especially if you use public transportation, work it. Rock the Commute!

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Composing my own biography, also known as an “autobiography”

So a few uh, people I know, began talking about biography writing today, which somehow led to an email list of how awesome mine would be. Thus, I thought I would take their suggestions and compose a work encompassing the greatness that is the first 22 years of my life…

Kelly Lynn Helder was born in South Carolina in a large truck. It had been a rainy torrential night, but little K-Hel arrived as dawn broke, and the sun sang from behind the mountain tops. K-Hizzle went on to get in the truck many a time, although she often refused to stay in the truck.


During her kindergarten days she would chase the females around the playground, pulling their pigtails, sticking her tongue out and making them cry. And then she would “goose” all the boys. [me: so I was bi-curious? Lauren: no, just really mean]

As she approached her adolescence, Ms. Helder would ride mastodons bareback across the countryside whilst munching on teddy grahams laden with cold, delicious whole milk. But the childlike wonderment could only last so long before she was condemned to the land of school with its dirty math problems, Aids and ugly people.

In high school she wandered out of the “box,” cued magical happenings, and had great adventures. One such adventure consisted of battling the mysterious dark lord of Raleigh, North Carolina to win the title of most intelligent person alive. And the she won most attractive person in America, which would have been the world but people from Brazil are really hot.

During high school she also had a run in with the R.Kelly trails, as a witness to tinkle time and the preponderance of yellow tinted evidence. R. Kelly got sent back into the closet with Tom Cruise and John Travolta, where he remains today. K-Hel still considers this one of her greatest achievements.

College is blank. Too much alcohol.

She then became a magical princess in a mortal world who blogs to enrich the lives of dull individuals. She now lives in New York City and has a pet dinosaur. Kisses to Hubert and Patsy.

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Game developers to your living room: 'We hate you'

It seems the gaming industry overlords have made a unanimous decision concerning this summer's must-have gaming accessory.

Barricaded a few months ago in their fortress constructed entirely of solid gold, discarded Red Bull cans and toxic console ingredients, game developers apparently agreed that to take part in the fun that is next-generation gaming, players must use the spare bedroom to fit all the Chinese plastic shit to help you get in the game.

So sorry Grandma. Unless you can figure out a way to earn your keep by allowing me to burn hookers without consequences, it's off to the old folks home for you.

If gamers didn't feel the need to begin construction on that addition to their house before, these last two weeks certainly confirmed it.

Most recently, the Wii Fit launched May 21 with the promise to not only turn fat gaming nerds into Bowflex models, but to insult insecure young girls as well. Nintendo's newest effort to reach new and more casual audiences (who will undoubtedly get in shape just running around trying to get the damn thing), comes complete with a wireless balance board that aides in gameplay.

But there's also Guitar Hero IV, which last week let forth a slew of product shots meant to entice e-rockers into marking their calendars for its release. Included in those pictures was a shot of the game's drum set peripheral, with a "sturdier construction and dedicated cymbal pads." Read: it will take up more room than your already massive Rock Band setup.

Throw in Konami's Rock Revolution, which promises to pathetically nip at the heels of its older, more successful brothers like Stephen Baldwin on the Sci-Fi Channel, you've got a ready recipe for a horrible, life-crushing divorce.

That is, absent some well-reasoned intervention.


With some of the more novel peripherals, it just can't be helped. With devices like the Wii Balance Board or the Wii Little Plastic Steering Wheel That Turns Agile Drivers Into Retards, there is the added draw that you can put them to use in other games. The Balance Board, for example, can be used in the coming-to-the-clearance-rack-near-you title Wii Ski.

But because of playground-esque infighting between Guitar Hero publisher Activision and Rock Band publisher Harmonix, the two companies have failed to make even their guitars fully compatible between games.

That doesn't bode well for the newest contraptions on the horizon, which coincidentally take up a much greater portion of your wallet and living room real estate.

I think back to a time when peripherals were simpler. When gamers were happy just to get the newest game system for Christmas. It was easier then -- much more black and white.

Peripherals typically came in three categories.

Some came with the system.


Others were so phenomenally crappy that no one wanted to buy them.

Some were so expensive that only the rich spoiled kid up the street who you only tolerate to play with his toys got one.

I guess expectant gamers can take solace in the fact that developers are running out of nouns to mix and match with "Rock" and "Guitar." On second thought, they'll never run out of numbers. God help us.

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Wednesday Web site webolumn...

This weeks web site wha wha in the butt...

StumbleUpon

Story: I usually compile an amazing list of web sites during the week, but as of Monday I had a whooping one site. When I spoke with Kelly about this little set back, she told me about a Firefox Add-on called “StumbleUpon” and it would soon be the single defining moment in my life [Ed note: b/c i am brilliant.]

We all have come to discover my love and eternal devotion to the Internet with its whacky sites. StumbleUpon is my hourly fix to what can only be compared to a crack addiction. Here’s the deal:

Go to the StumbleUpon Add-on web site courtesy of Firefox and download the application to your web browser. You then get to check the subjects you’re interested in so the application will have a general idea of your interests. From then on, the toolbar is affixed to your browser for convenient surfing. You get to give sites a thumbs up/down rating so you will only see more of the sites you like in the future.

StumbleUpon isn’t just a Firefox Add-on. It’s a social media application that enables you to connect with your friends and share each other’s favorite sites, make new friends based on the reviews you make, and sort threw web sites others have reviewed and check out their ratings. You can even enable a Google preference displaying a StumbleUpon five-star rating scale beside your search results.

DON’T FORGET TO DISABLE THE “BLOCK ADULT SITES” FEATURE!!!!!!

My favorite site I have “stumbled upon”: Musicovery.com

Another interactive media form, Musicovery.com is web radio that allows you to listen to free music that you chose and rate. Unlike the popular Pandora Radio , Misicovery.com allows you to pick what kind of mood you’re in or the tempo you prefer and then narrow the music selection by genre, the Classics of those genres and/or Discovery (which throws in artists you may enjoy based on your preferences), and you can even choose a decade!!!

Example: Say you want to listen to Wham! (who doesn’t?!), you would choose “Energetic” for your mood, 80’s decade, and “pop” as the genre. SO SIMPLE!!

Also unlike Pandora, you can skip as many songs as you want instead of a limit every 30 minutes or whatever it is. Bullshit.

Other than the occasional 5-second audio advertisement, it makes for a fantastic web radio to listen to at work.

Another site I can’t believe I haven’t blogged about yet: CatsThatLookLikeHitler.com

I discovered this web site a while back but had completely forgotten about it until one of my lovely coworkers brought it to my attention. It’s exactly what it sounds like; it’s pictures people have submitted of their cats… who just happen to look like Hitler. Because we all know cats are EVIL!! If cats were human, they’d all be fascist dictators and promote social Darwinism. IT’S A FACT.

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Not-so-live TV Blogging

Season Finale-o-rama! So many amazing shows ended last night. Tear! I am so angry. But another good one began – smile! Oh, spoiler alerts (DUH!)

Let’s start with the most important finale of all: Gossip Girl. OMFG, as the GG-ers would say. Dan and Georgina totally hooked up (“we didn’t have sex but we might as well have”) – what the fuck does that mean? Is that GG-speak for 3rd base or something? Then Dan and Blair totally set G up in Central Park and her parents are there and send her to reform school – some place called “Penance” – very appropriate. I LOVE Blair who ends the scene with, “Haven’t you heard? I’m the crazy bitch around here.” Meanwhile, in adult land, Lily and Rufus love each other, but I guess loving means letting go or some bullshit. Because Lily marries Bart which is dumb.

On the Chuck front, he realizes how much he loves B and so makes a completely inappropriate wedding toast to Bart, but it ends up landing him a makeout session with B on the dance floor. While those two make out, Serena and Dan can’t seem to get it together. Serena lies too much. Dan is too rigid. Serena didn’t cheat even though she said she did. Dan did cheat, even though they were sorta on a break. Anyway, they’re done but clearly they’re not done. I mean, really. We all know that next season those two are getting back together. Please. This will NOT be without obstacles though.

Cut to one week later. Basically, previews for next season. Chuck ditches Blair at a helipad to hook up with some blonde chick (played by real life gossip girl Lydia Hearst) while Blair goes along with some rich older dude. Dan and Vanessa plan on spending the whole summer together, with her batting her eyelashes at him seductively as he mends his broken heart. And then Serena and Nate bump into each other on the UES and decide to spend the summer together in the Hamptons. Oh. And little J is gonna be interning for B’s mom. Yay?

PREDICTIONS: So clearly, next season Nate and Serena, and Dan and Vanessa are going to come back dating or having hooked up. Things will be awkward. But clearly, Dan and S will still be in love.

FEELINGS ON THE EPISODE: I thought it was good, but last week’s was definitely superb. This was a bit slower moving. But it definitely left me psyched for next season.







House = Tears. Last night, House continued in his quest from last week to repair the sick person from the bus accident, which we found out in the last couple of minutes of last week’s episode was “Psycho Bitch” Amber AKA Wilson’s new girlfriend. Anyway, House feels mad guilty and Wilson’s a wreck the whole show while they try to figure out what the hell is wrong with her. 13 is dealing with her own issues too – and House convinces her to finally take that test for Huntington’s. Turns out that 13 does indeed have the genetic disease. ANYwho, House is going nuts, as per usual, trying to figure shit out when he really should be resting since he just cracked open his skull and had a heart attack. But clearly he doesn’t care. Wilson convinces House to undergo a very risky procedure, which could kill him (deep brain stimulation) so that House will remember what happened the night before and how/why Amber is sick. House agrees because Wilson is his best friend and he clearly feels guilty about Amber.

Turns out, House called Wilson to pick him up from a bar after work where he got sloshed. Amber came instead. They argued, he stumbled onto the bus but forgot his cane and she followed him onto the bus with it. She sneezed a few times, as she was coming down with the flu, and took medication. UH OH. The medication apparently was a death sentence – it poisoned her when the bus hit and her kidneys got shut down. House relays all of this information during the procedure, cries for the first time on the show, has a grand mal seizure and slips into a coma. So what did Wilson and Cutty do? They wake up Amber so she can live for like an hour and say goodbye and then die. WHOA sad pants. Wilson and Amber sobbing hysterically and me at home crying too. Not nice. Meanwhile, House wants to die, but can’t and when he wakes up he realizes he may have lost Wilson as a friend. Did you want to see her die? You wanna cry? Ok – wish granted:




PREDICTIONS: OK, I don’t really think that Wilson will give up his friendship with House. Yes, he’s sad, but really, House was willing to risk his life in order to save Amber. I mean, that should count for something. It’s not like House fed her the pills or made the bus crash. ALSO I think that next season we may see a more sensitive side to House. He made it clear that he doesn’t want to be miserable anymore, so maybe he’ll finally find some love or something. Maybe with 13. Who knows?

FEELINGS ON THE EPISODE: I also think that last week’s episode was better. There was more action and more confusion. BUT this week’s was really good. And REALLY sad. I mean, I really didn’t expect them to kill off Amber. Not like she was such a central character but still. And I did like that House showed actual compassion and concern. It was nice to see a little more softness to his usually brusque personality.







Flavor-Flav!!! Yes indeed. Our man, Flavor Flav crowned his fair lady love for the THIRD time. He claims he won’t be back again, but who knows how true that is? Anyway, the show went like this: The three girls, Sincere, Black, and Thing 2 all met Flav for brunch in Cannes. At which point, Flav decides that Sincere has in fact NOT been sincere at all, and has been stabbing the other girls in the back. OK. He didn’t decide that. He decided he’d rather try and get into Black’s pants than into Sincere’s. No – really. That’s what happened. So Sincere had to go.

Black (who is white) and Flav took a jet to Monaco where they did stupid shit all day and Flav fell asleep. Then Flav invited Black up for a nightcap and of course she went and we all heard the typical :::moan::: :::sigh::: (lights out).

Next day, Flav boards a private jet with Thing 2 (the prettier twin left standing) and they had to gay Paris. They also do stupid touristy crap. And then they go to dinner, and Thing 2 tells him cheesy jokes and he laughs blah blah blah but NO! She will not get busy with him! Like Monica, she wants to get down, but not the first night. Good for you, Thing 2.







So now back to Cannes for an elimination. Who will it be? The new girl or the previously-eliminated-but-brought-back-girl-who-wouldn’t-put-out? YUP our man Flav gave those beautiful gold Teef to Thing 2, his new girl. She may not be as pretty as Hoops, or as stacked in the back as Delicious, but she sure does seem to love Flav. Maybe this one will actually last.

PREDICTIONS: They showed Flav proposing to someone on next week’s reunion episode. My gut tells me it’s all a hoax and he proposes to Lala, BUT I’m gonna have to say he actually makes the commitment to Thing 2. I think maybe he actually likes her!

FEELINGS: I didn’t want Black or Sincere to win. I definitely liked Thing 2 the best. So I was glad she won. Yay!







In other news, the Bachelorette premiered last night. In the past two weeks, I have something I’d like to refer to as Spring Fever, or rather that illness that the chick in “Black Snake Moan” has which really isn’t an illness but you catch my drift. Anyway, as this is the case, the Bachelorette seems perfectly tailored for my mood. However, even in my heightened state of finding every guy attractive, I found nearly every guy on that show to be ugly/toolish right off the bat.

I mean these men are NOT the pick of the litter. Clearly, since they’re looking for love on reality TV, but you’d still expect some kind of quality. But ABC couldn’t really come up with anyone stunningly good-looking (like Matt Grant – the last bachelor). One guy, Damonte or something like that, was literally a Joe Francis doppelganger. I mean, you take one look at the man and you just see The Clap.







Ah well, I wish this new Bachelorette all the luck in the world. I’m sure I’ll be watching the show because, well, all of the really good shows have ended, and what the hell else is there to watch? But I really hope they give these guy makeovers or something…


And with that I conclude my wrap up of last night’s TV which I was SO compelled to write about. See you on Monday (maybe sooner) for the next Celeblahblog!

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Nice beard. I like Wham!

Season finale of Gossip Girl, so much happened blah blah blah, but the most important part is that Serena and Dan broke up, which means Serena needs a new man. Newsflash: Rocknrolldating.com. Begun by Daniel House, bass player for early Seattle grunge band Skin Yard (which of course I had never heard of), it pairs people according to their music preference and concert attendance schedule.

Check out the rest after the jump...

I, of course, felt the need to check it out to learn how it works and see if any metalheads want to hit on someone that loves Wham! and the Beach Boys (I left Raffi and Baby Beluga off so I could maintain some street cred). Thus, I named my profile, “It’s all schoolhouse rock to me” and posted the I Am Magic photo. Who in their right mind could resist that 1-2 combo!

Apparently, a lot of people who would look for love on a music dating Web site. Zero messages. I can’t imagine why. It’s been four days…outlook not so good. Did my hair go flat? Did I stumble into some bad lighting? I probably should have gone with, “You’re beard is really nice,” and a photo of boobies. Those were my other ideas. Hmm.

The site asks the important rock questions that verified my station in nerdtown, such as if you smoke (no), if you do drugs (no), if you drink (actually… I’ve got that one down) as well as the basic shit (religion, education, body type). Favorite music lyric you ask? Why, “I’ll steal your women like I stole your bike,” – LFO. Blair would already be fairing better than I am.

There is also a concert schedule, and again mine is empty because it doesn’t include Chesapeake Bay cruises to something similar to Yanni (so excited!). But this does give a cool listing of all the shows in your area, makes this site totally worth it, even if you aren’t interested in dating online.







Oh, and some beach boys for you... bless your heart....

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Weddings, Winners, and the C-Dub

So much gossip this week! The biggest story, of course, is Ashlee Simpson’s Saturday wedding to Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy. The two tied the knot at the Simpson’s family home in California, with Jessica Simpson as the maid of honor, and Ashlee’s father Joe performing the service. I love that Joe Simpson found a way to make his daughter’s wedding yet ANOTHER Joe Simpson production. Oy. Many gossip shows and sites are reporting that Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, while others contend the opposite. Honestly, I don’t really care. I hope, for Ashlee’s bebe’s sake, that she’s not (and never becomes so) because you KNOW that baby is gonna get exploited from minute one.

If you watch America’s Next Top Model, then you already know that Whitney Thompson won the season finale of “Cycle 10,” becoming the first ever “plus-sized” model to win the competition. Many speculate that choosing Whitney was some sort of a publicity stunt, though I don’t really get the thought process behind this. Yes, choosing the size 8 blonde as the winner sure does turn a few more heads than usual, but she WAS the prettiest - if a little overdramatic.







Good news for me – Star Jones and Barbara Walters are still at it. After Star talked smack on Barbara for publicizing her affair with a married man in her new book, “Audition,” Barbara Walters took the passive-aggressive route on Larry King saying, “I was very fond of Star…The network wanted to let her go. The ratings were going way down… It took her a long time to get a job…I wish her well.” Took her a long time to get a job? Which we all know tanked in the ratings? Burn Barbara, BURN!

Guess whose back – back again? 90210, bitches! So it is TOTALLY official – 90210 is pulling a complete “Degrassi: The Next Generation!” They’ve even taken one of the Degrassi actresses straight off the set and put her in spotlight. Shanae Grimes – you are a sell out! You are supposed to be Darcy! OK – sorry. Anyway, basically what they’re doing is following the turbulent lives of a fresh crop of 90210 kids and their parents. Of course, some of these kids/parents relate to the original 90210. Kelly Taylor (Jennie Garth), for instance, will be the school guidance counselor. And lord KNOWS that bitch can give those kids guidance. Just off the top of my head she’s:

1) Had an eating disorder
2) Been raped
3) Lived through a fire
4) Had a coke problem
5) Dealt with a suicidal stalker (one of my favorite episodes)
6) Stolen her BFF’s boyfriend
7) Dealt with Valerie AND Brenda

Anyway, if you really want to know more about 90210: The Next Generation (as I’m calling it for now) then watch the below video which is the CW’s just-released promo. I’m not gonna lie – this fall, I’m totally tuning in. It will probably be over the top and ridiculous, and that’s JUST how I like my teen dramas served up. Oh, and fingers crossed for some guest appearances by James Eckhouse and Joe E. Tata.




Other news you may or may not care about:

· During an interview with NBC’s “The Today Show” Jack Black outed co-star Angelina Jolie on air, getting Jolie to FINALLY admit that she is having twins. Rumor is that they’re gonna be girls. CheaperByTheDozenPants.

· Victoria Beckham claims that she won’t be singing anymore. Nope, nada, dunzo with the Posh career. Awwww… DidSheReallySingAnyway?Pants

· Britney Spears has a new mentor…and it’s her neighbor Mel Gibson. I bet the two of them do a really good job staying sober and sane together. DUIPants

· Ohhhhh drama in “The Hills.” Apparently, little miss Audrina just celebrated the big 23 in Vegas with nary an LC or Lo in sight. According to LC at the wrap-party, “Obviously there is tension and other things going on.” TeamLCPants

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Lady Catherine's Dog Park Etiquette

When taking your adorable puppypants to a park, there are some things you need to keep in mind... fo sho...

1. Prerequisite Number One

The requirement is simple and straight forward: have a dog. Visitors who constantly lurk through the dog park sans leash or canine are suspicious. Would you consider hanging out at a play ground crowded with young kids when you have no children? That is how we view you dogless wanderers--so very creepy.

(Note: This does not apply to individuals who are legitimately invited by dog owners or dogs.)

Read the rest after the jump...

2. Shit Happens
Looking in the other direction will not make your dog's waste disappear. And we all will notice the unclassy attempt at ignorance. Bring a bag, pick it up, dispose. It's not difficult, really. Karma WILL get you. And your brand new white sandals. Yeah, just wait.

3. Humping is a part of life. In fact, it's the start of life

When Britney Spears and K-Fed publicized the inner workings of their sexual relationship, no one complained. Okay, wait, maybe most intelligent and sane people did complain. Regardless, if Fido and Maggie want to get it on behind the bushes, or in front of the bushes, or on the bushes, who am I to stop their fun? I mean, poor pups already got most of the love taken out of them before they had a single lustful thought of fornication. Let 'em live a little.

4. Dogs are not children(and children are not dogs)

"Jennifer! Jennifer! Don't take that toy away from the big dog, I have one right here for you that I got at the store today. Oh no! I think you are running away from me! If you come back I'll get you a treat at the store! Jennifer!" This really happened.

Seriously people, dogs do not understand complicated explanations and excuses considering their inability to rationalize. Nor should they have disturbingly human names.

5. A Fond Farewell

After conversing about the economy, drinking home-brewed, back-pocketed beers, and divulging intriguing family secrets, at least say "good-bye" when exiting the park. Please, don't leave an awkward ending. After all, we will see each other again. Probably tomorrow afternoon.

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