When taking your adorable puppypants to a park, there are some things you need to keep in mind... fo sho...
1. Prerequisite Number One
The requirement is simple and straight forward: have a dog. Visitors who constantly lurk through the dog park sans leash or canine are suspicious. Would you consider hanging out at a play ground crowded with young kids when you have no children? That is how we view you dogless wanderers--so very creepy.
(Note: This does not apply to individuals who are legitimately invited by dog owners or dogs.)
Read the rest after the jump...
2. Shit Happens
Looking in the other direction will not make your dog's waste disappear. And we all will notice the unclassy attempt at ignorance. Bring a bag, pick it up, dispose. It's not difficult, really. Karma WILL get you. And your brand new white sandals. Yeah, just wait.
3. Humping is a part of life. In fact, it's the start of life
When Britney Spears and K-Fed publicized the inner workings of their sexual relationship, no one complained. Okay, wait, maybe most intelligent and sane people did complain. Regardless, if Fido and Maggie want to get it on behind the bushes, or in front of the bushes, or on the bushes, who am I to stop their fun? I mean, poor pups already got most of the love taken out of them before they had a single lustful thought of fornication. Let 'em live a little.
4. Dogs are not children
(and children are not dogs)
"Jennifer! Jennifer! Don't take that toy away from the big dog, I have one right here for you that I got at the store today. Oh no! I think you are running away from me! If you come back I'll get you a treat at the store! Jennifer!" This really happened.
Seriously people, dogs do not understand complicated explanations and excuses considering their inability to rationalize. Nor should they have disturbingly human names.
5. A Fond Farewell
After conversing about the economy, drinking home-brewed, back-pocketed beers, and divulging intriguing family secrets, at least say "good-bye" when exiting the park. Please, don't leave an awkward ending. After all, we will see each other again. Probably tomorrow afternoon.
5.18.2008
Lady Catherine's Dog Park Etiquette
5.09.2008
Lady Catherine's Guide to Internet Relationships
Realizing that it has been five years since high school graduation, a friend of mine recently brought up the idea of reunions. Upon this note, I gagged slightly and then additionally vocally (and emphatically) expressed my extreme disinterest in attending said event. My reasoning rolled over sordid words that somewhat stated, “High school was wack, and I don’t miss it in any way, at all…yet.” The “yet” added with hesitation and overwhelming suspicion that it was unnecessary entirely, but still mentioned in case of future fictitious and fond memories. A pity “yet”, it could be called.
Additionally, why fly across the country to nostalgically convene and catch up? After all, I go to my high school reunion every single day on Facebook.
This led me to ponder the growing complications of modern relationships and web-based friendships.
While most people are familiar with proper methods of socialization and acceptable means of behavior in face-to-face encounters, how do we build and maintain relationships via the web? ( Those with normal interpersonal skills do not include the attractive hipster I’ve been glancing back and forth with constantly for the last two hours, while sipping cold coffee, only to now notice his left ring finger is heavy with golden glam…gag. )
So this reunion thing. I really did enjoy high school, and I honestly do care about my Facebook and Myspace friends, even though I will never see many of them ever again. Also, we haven’t spoken or written or thought about each other in years. Additionally, we may perhaps have nothing in common anymore. Well, except a few shared drunken or awkward situations hidden in the past.
Regardless of this growing distinction and distance, or maybe because of it, I remain fascinated by these now strangers, their publicized life decisions, and incredible evolutions of character. It is as if I’m watching a film slowly unfold, over years, on and on into eternity, with a constantly changing, incredibly dynamic cast. Only, I used to play a part in the story, can still step in at will, but am for now and in most cases, outside of view, enjoying the creative liberties of a voyeur.
Following are a few simple rules to guide us as we fumble through the newest form of fraternizing.
1. Be Real
It is easy to become way cooler than you actually are when all it involves is listing a few activities that you may have participated in…once, that time, way back when. Yeah, you claim traveling as a hobby, but you haven’t ventured outside of your state in years, your band was lame and broke up when we were freshman, and you haven’t run in seven months. Fess up. Writing statements on multiple, public sites don’t make them any more true.
2. Be Consistent
While I respect the position of only maintaining actual, real life, “you can count on me friendships” on the web, I do believe that you should decide from the onset what approach to take. I’ve known people to reject any individual they don’t hang out with on a weekly basis. Or worse, brag that they’ve “never requested a friendship” as if that makes them more interesting or awesome than us. Actually, it just makes you lame. Still there are others who have an obsession of gaining several thousand friends as soon as possible, throwing discretion out the window and attacking their “friends” goal with greater passion than they display in all the rest of their “interests” and “activities” combined.
Despite apparent achievement, let me assure you that it is entirely impossible to know that number of people, let alone actually care about that many individuals. I prefer (and would advise you) to take a stand somewhere in between the two extremes. Additionally, as a personal rule, even though I may delete you from my life, I will never delete you from Facebook or Myspace. I mean I have standards, but I’m not the ice queen. So that is my promise.
3. Take it Easy, Tiger
Many people find sites like Facebook and Myspace to be ridiculous or overwhelming and are quick to criticize. Really, these web-based social networks can be incredible tools of communication if used for exactly what they are: social networks. They are not: diaries, or Christmas cards, or wish lists.
One of my good friends complained that such sites seem to only make his life needlessly more confusing. He explained the overwhelming stress in rating his friends, searching for his 8 truly closest relationships, and completing such a tedious task with the devastating knowledge that a few months from now all will change. Once again he will be faced with laborious decisions and painful attempts to accurately, yet tactfully, order his friendships.
As individuals are swapped in and out of life, in and out of the top 8, we must remember that we live in the real world. Though Facebook and Myspace are fun and entertaining, they are merely representations of the present, which is the only place we can really operate. Don’t ever take web-based, modern relationships for granted and don’t take them for more than they are worth, but take them for simply what they are…and enjoy.
