Lady Catherine's Dog Park Etiquette

When taking your adorable puppypants to a park, there are some things you need to keep in mind... fo sho...

1. Prerequisite Number One

The requirement is simple and straight forward: have a dog. Visitors who constantly lurk through the dog park sans leash or canine are suspicious. Would you consider hanging out at a play ground crowded with young kids when you have no children? That is how we view you dogless wanderers--so very creepy.

(Note: This does not apply to individuals who are legitimately invited by dog owners or dogs.)

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2. Shit Happens
Looking in the other direction will not make your dog's waste disappear. And we all will notice the unclassy attempt at ignorance. Bring a bag, pick it up, dispose. It's not difficult, really. Karma WILL get you. And your brand new white sandals. Yeah, just wait.

3. Humping is a part of life. In fact, it's the start of life

When Britney Spears and K-Fed publicized the inner workings of their sexual relationship, no one complained. Okay, wait, maybe most intelligent and sane people did complain. Regardless, if Fido and Maggie want to get it on behind the bushes, or in front of the bushes, or on the bushes, who am I to stop their fun? I mean, poor pups already got most of the love taken out of them before they had a single lustful thought of fornication. Let 'em live a little.

4. Dogs are not children(and children are not dogs)

"Jennifer! Jennifer! Don't take that toy away from the big dog, I have one right here for you that I got at the store today. Oh no! I think you are running away from me! If you come back I'll get you a treat at the store! Jennifer!" This really happened.

Seriously people, dogs do not understand complicated explanations and excuses considering their inability to rationalize. Nor should they have disturbingly human names.

5. A Fond Farewell

After conversing about the economy, drinking home-brewed, back-pocketed beers, and divulging intriguing family secrets, at least say "good-bye" when exiting the park. Please, don't leave an awkward ending. After all, we will see each other again. Probably tomorrow afternoon.

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